I believe if Jesus was here right now, he'd say two things: 1) Stop all that masturbating, and 2) Enter the Mercury's Easter Coloring Contest! Jesus was always a big fan of those grocery store coloring contests, and that's why we're doing one, too! Simply follow the directions below, and you could see your work of art on the cover of the Mercury's April 9 issue AND win 200 smackeroos! (That's dollars, not smacks on the ass. Though we are open to negotiation.)

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS!

• Download a high-res copy of our upcoming cover by clicking here.

• Print it out, and color the shit out of it. Use whatever medium you like, including crayons, acrylics, watercolors, chalk, the sacrificial blood of our Lord Jesus Christ... WE DON'T CARE! (Okay, maybe not snot, urine, or poop.)

• Mail your 8x10" cover (flat, not folded) in a 8x10" envelope to "Easter Coloring Contest" c/o Portland Mercury, 605 NE 21st Ave, Suite 200, Portland, OR 97232.

• If you're a techno-nerd, you can also send a high-resolution digital file (300 dpi) to artdirector@portlandmercury.com or send it to our flickr group www.flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

• Don't forget! This competition is open to ALL AGES! The deadline is FRIDAY, APRIL 3, at 5 pm!

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Artist: Jack Pollack