Dear Half-Literate Mouth-Breathers: Most of you drooling dolts know me from my occasional column in the Portland Mercury, Frank Cassano's Imbecile Parade, better known as "The one thing the Mercury publishes that isn't an escort ad or some jagoff wankfest about some twee-tarded band you've never heard of."

Well, lucky YOU, imbeciles! Because now I'm Twittering for the Mercury. (I barely even know what a Twitter is, but I can guaran-fucking-tee you I'll be doing a better job than the dipshit acne-faced interns they had twatting before.) At twitter.com/portlandmercury, expect regular updates about whatever idiocy the brats at the Mercury are writing about—from their boring reviews about boring plays to their adorable attempts at "news reporting." As for how often you can expect these updates, who the hell knows? Unlike some imbeciles I could mention, I have a life that's not dependent on a bunch of fat ass bespectacled morons with computers.

So sign up and get twatted by yours truly, you tight-pants wearing, fixie riding, herpes passing dullards.