This Week in the Mercury
Monday, April 20, 2009
Artsy Bridgetown Comedy Fest Giveaway
Posted by Alison Hallett on Mon, Apr 20, 2009 at 9:16 AM
So, crazy weekend, right? I drank too many free MacTarnahans' at the Stumptown/Cosmic Monkey party (confidential to somebody: I stole an ice cream sandwich. SORRY!!) and never did make it to the Record Store Day afterparty, but I trust everyone was able to put the memory of that Blazer game behind them and eke some fun out of a ridiculously action-packed Saturday night?
But now our thoughts must turn to next weekend, and the Bridgetown Comedy festival. Organizer Andy Wood is bound and determined to raise Portland's profile as a comedy town—he's been bringing acts to town under the Bridgetown Presents moniker since the festival's debut last year, and this year he's put together a lineup that's twice as big, with something like 160 participating acts performing at five different venues. Last year was a big fun drunken mess, and there's no reason to believe this year will be any different. And I have a pair of passes to give away. Would you like them?
This seems like kind of a bad idea, and one I will probably regret, but... leave your best joke in the comments. I'll pick a winner by 3 pm tomorrow. Or, if you're just not funny, $50 festival passes are available here.
2
"my father's name was Ferdinand, my mother's name was Liza- and so between the two of them, they named me Fert-a-Liza!!" ba dum-pump-CHING!
4
7
Suddenly he sees the police lights flashing behind him.
Pulls over, "ohh shit! knew I shouldn't of had that 10th vodka!!", he notices its a tall blonde woman officer. Thinking "yeah, I'll give her some of my yuppie charm!"
She approaches and immediately sees he is trashed; eyes rolling into his head, head bobbing..
"Have you been drinking? Please step out of the car!"
He steps out, the female officers cuffs him and says "anything you say can and will be used against you!"
He responds: "BOOBIES!!!"
10
And Cthulhu says "Rl'yeh fthagn, ahem! Blimey! Sorry, phlegm. Bit ill, actually."
So Nyarlahotep rubs three of his pseudopods together and says, "I have just the thing!"
And he leads the mighty Elder One across the non-Euclidean town sqaure, down a dodgy back alley, where an eldritch couple of debt collectors are lurking.
And Nyarlahotep says:
"Here's that sick squid I owe you."
15
dude: "what's your name?"
lady: "carmen"
dude: "that's a very pretty name."
lady: "my name used to be mary, i recently changed it because i like cars and i like men."
lady: "what's your name?"
dude: "beerfuck."
18
Four. One to drop the old bulb and three to pickitup pickitup pickitup.
19
"You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."
21
When the artist finishes the tattoo, she looks at it and says, "that looks absolutely nothing like Paul Newman or Robert Redford!"
The tattoo artist goes outside and grabs the first person that walks by. He takes him inside, the lady gets back on the table, spreads her legs, and the artist asks the man who he sees. The man replies, "I don't know who the ones on the outside are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."
23
So, the dad sees his son and kind of panics and stops giving it to his wife and sheepishly apologizes to his son. The kid just kind of says, "Fucking weak. That was gross. Whatever. I'm going to my room."
A few days later, the dad comes home to see his son boning the shit out of his own grandmother. The dad, appropriately responds, "What the fuck is going on!?"
To which the kid replies, "Not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
the last 'your' should be in italics
24
A: Only one when the Portlander in question is BRANDON FUCKING ROY.
26
27
The economy is so bad, the Low Brow lounge is actually full of undesirable types.
The economy is so bad, MC Hammer wrote a song about it. Then he was named CEO of AIG.
31
I had to consult with other staffers and since our collective sense of humor hovers right around "puerile," we all agreed that the funniest thing is that poor gay T-Rex. Tiny arms, etc. Thanks for playing, everybody.
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