Also titled: Things I Am Obsessed With (Part Five of a 758 Part Series)
Today, Erik asked me to watch one of two films he needs to have reviewed. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't know what my second option was because as soon as he said "Into the Blue" I was on it like beans on toast. Who didn't love the first Into the Blue? Exactly. You can scoff gentlemen (Erik, Ned and Ezra, that is) but don't act like you didn't see the first one...90 minutes of Jessica Alba in a swimsuit? Yeah, you saw it.
Into the Blue 2: The Reef has the same kind of Blockbuster plot as it's prequel- a group of divers, all of whom are under 26 years-old and only own swimsuits, are tricked into partaking in some risky business in search of something valuable on the ocean floor. In The Reef, diving instructors Sebastian and Dani are wooed by a rich English couple, Carlton and Azra, to help them find Columbus' hidden treasure.
What's that I smell?
A PLOT TWIST, that's what! They're not looking for Columbus' hidden treasure, they're looking for Saddam Hussein's treasure! Shit.You.Not. Carlton (a name that conquers images of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) is smuggling Hussein's treasure into America for government affiliated friends of his, who stumbled upon the treasure in Iraq. How historical! First Columbus and now Hussein? What the crap is going on?! Two minutes ago I was watching a split screen of hot, tan, greased up 20-somethings playing beach volleyball and now we're talking about the war in Iraq? No offense MGM, but I don't think your target audience really cares/knows anything about the war - I mean, what happened to all the volleyball players?
During the rest of the 92 minute film (an hour and a half of my life gone, but I brought that on myself), the plot continues to thicken; everyone goes dancing, some people take outdoor showers, Dani becomes suspicious of the Brits, and there's what almost counts as soft-core porn after a lovers quarrel. I don't want to give away the rest of the movie because I strongly encourage all of you to go out and rent it. Yep, rent it. This sucker went straight to DVD, landing at your preferred movie-rental location April 21st.
Here are some of my final thoughts:
* Sebastian is an awful name for Chris Carmack's character. I've never met a Sebastian, but if I did I don't think he'd look like Chris Carmack. It would be like naming him Bob or Eugene - it just doesn't fit.
* Chris Carmack will forever be Luke from The OC in my eyes, maybe that's why I couldn't get into this whole "Sebastian" thing.
* This happens to be Audrina Patridge's film debut. I bet she is very proud of her 15-seconds of camera time. Her sole purpose is to yell at her douche-bag boyfriend, once in a 10-second beach rant, and once in a 5-second hissy fit while they're at the dance club. Shut up, Audrina! You're ruining the dance scene! I've had enough of you from The Hills, go become a correspondent for Access Hollywood or something and leave my entertainment alone.
* The ocean is (once again) abnormally bright blue.
Things I learned:
* If you live near a beach, the best way to get out aggression after a verbal fight with a girl/boyfriend is to race around on a Ski-Doo very very fast. Afterwards, have a chilled beer and stare at the ocean. Then you'll feel better. If you do this right, you'll have make-up sex.
* Don't trust business people with British accents unless you're 100% sure they're telling the truth. You may have to get sneaky to find out if it's the actual truth though. That's the thing about English accents - we assume the British don't lie because they sound so proper. Wrong!
* Jessica Alba really can make a crap movie better. Her equivalent in this movie, Laura Vandervoort, cannot.
* "Velvety" is an adjective that can be used to describe wine. I thought this was BS, but I looked it up and it's legit.
My final words are these: If you saw the first one and liked it, I mean for-reals liked it, rent this one. Otherwise, your time is better spent reading Blogtown.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!