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Monday, April 27, 2009

News Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Apr 27, 2009 at 9:15 AM

73 cases of swine flu have been reported worldwide, 40 in America. CDC advises to feed all hogs two Airborne tablets per day.

General Motors plans to cut 21,000 jobs and phase out their Pontiac brand. NOOOOOOOOO!!!

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A lesbian couple is legally wed in Iowa. Finally a reason to go to Des Moines!

In other gay news, a new "etiquette guide" for Thai monks attempts to curb "flamboyant behavior" in gay monks. I WANT TO MEET THESE MONKS!

In other unnecessarily flamboyant news, Rockets beat Blazers, now have a 3-1 lead in the series. GOD DAMN YOU, YAO MING!!!

In other basketball news, former NBA player Jayson Williams has been hospitalized after trashing his hotel room and getting tazed for his trouble.

In other tazing news, a soldier in Florida accused of beating his wife shoots two police deputies AFTER being hit by a stun gun. A neighbor says "He had a violent side." No shit, Sherlock.

In other crazy, violent nutbag news, a Moscow police chief kills three in a supermarket shooting rampage.

In yet MORE crazy, violent nutbag news, a Georgia professor guns down his wife and two men outside a community theater. Don't worry, though, he left the kids in the car.

And in possibly the worst news ever, Golden Girl Bea Arthur dead at the age of 86. Look out heaven, here she comes!

 

Comments (2) RSS

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1
Damn. Loved Bea Arthur. She was hilarious at the Pam Anderson roast. Always a tough smart ass!
Posted by Abusive on April 27, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report
2
Symptoms of swine flu include "cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. A few patients have reported that they also suffered from diarrhea and vomiting." Which also happens to also be the symptoms of pollen allergies (apparently it is the worst year in 84 years. As Storm Large said Friday "F***ing flowers.") and drinking too much.

So maybe I'm going to die, or maybe not...
Posted by Matthew D on April 27, 2009 at 2:58 PM · Report

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