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Monday, April 27, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Apr 27, 2009 at 9:15 AM

73 cases of swine flu have been reported worldwide, 40 in America. CDC advises to feed all hogs two Airborne tablets per day.

General Motors plans to cut 21,000 jobs and phase out their Pontiac brand. NOOOOOOOOO!!!

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A lesbian couple is legally wed in Iowa. Finally a reason to go to Des Moines!

In other gay news, a new "etiquette guide" for Thai monks attempts to curb "flamboyant behavior" in gay monks. I WANT TO MEET THESE MONKS!

In other unnecessarily flamboyant news, Rockets beat Blazers, now have a 3-1 lead in the series. GOD DAMN YOU, YAO MING!!!

In other basketball news, former NBA player Jayson Williams has been hospitalized after trashing his hotel room and getting tazed for his trouble.

In other tazing news, a soldier in Florida accused of beating his wife shoots two police deputies AFTER being hit by a stun gun. A neighbor says "He had a violent side." No shit, Sherlock.

In other crazy, violent nutbag news, a Moscow police chief kills three in a supermarket shooting rampage.

In yet MORE crazy, violent nutbag news, a Georgia professor guns down his wife and two men outside a community theater. Don't worry, though, he left the kids in the car.

And in possibly the worst news ever, Golden Girl Bea Arthur dead at the age of 86. Look out heaven, here she comes!

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