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Monday, May 4, 2009

This Week in Promotional Burger King Star Trek Glasses

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, May 4, 2009 at 3:12 PM

LOOK OUT, BITCHES! Guess which winner snagged himself a promotional Star Trek glass at Burger King today?

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THIS GUY!

That's right—I went to Burger King today, and to my knowledge was the very FIRST person to get a Captain Kirk glass. And though I'm not surprised, EVERYTHING tastes sweeter after drinking from Captain Kirk. It's like they somehow distilled all of Captain Kirk's vital juices into the glass, so that they slowly seep into my Fresca, and deliciously dribble down my throat. JEALOUS MUCH???

87b1/1241468450-kirkglass.jpg

Actually, and incredibly, there are some downsides to waiting in line at Burger King to buy Star Trek promotional glasses. More on that after the jump.

Downside 1: Teenagers! One of the joys of Portland is to rarely if ever see teenagers, and the reason we don't is that they're all at Burger King sniggering at me for buying a Captain Kirk glass. Well, EFF YOU, Portland teenagers! Perhaps when you finally savor the feeling of Captain Kirk's juices lining your esophagus, THEN you'll understand the true meaning of "maturity."

Downside 2: The glasses are advertised at $1.99, but you also have to buy a BK "value meal," which brings your total to around six bucks. This is a problem because I am unable to resist purchasing the six pack BK Shots, which are tiny little Burger King hamburgers (like sliders). I love them because they are indescribably delicious, and their name reminds me of bukkake. In fact, I refer to them so often as "Bukkake Shots" that I accidentally requested them today at the cash register. Luckily, the server had little knowledge of this Japanese fetish/delicacy.

Downside 3: YOU CAN ONLY GET ONE GLASS PER WEEK. Which means that I'm going to be scarfing down Bukkake Shots for the entire month, and get really fat like that Supersize Me guy, because as god as my witness, I will COLLECT ALL FOUR of these glasses! Even the Spock one, which I kind of hate. Check this out.

a33f/1241469148-spockglass.jpg

Umm, excuse me, but what is OLD Spock doing on there? This film is supposed to be about the YOUNG HOT SEXY Enterprise crew, and NOT "Grandpa Pointy Ears." Yes, I know that Old Spock is in the film and critical to the plot, but fuck him. I kinda hate Old Spock. It's kind of like having a teenage orgy, and suddenly Grandma walks in and drops her bra. I can also imagine Old Spock making my Fresca taste like shit. I don't want his old, yellow juices anywhere near my mouth.
THAT BEING SAID, I'm going to get three of them anyway, just like I'm getting three of ALL the glasses: One to drink out of, one to sell on eBay, and one to smash on the street in front of a nerd.

Tune in next Monday for another installment of "This Week in Promotional Burger King Star Trek Glasses." Thank you.

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