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Thursday, May 7, 2009

News Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, May 7, 2009 at 10:02 AM

Portland's Memorial Coliseum is saved, the new baseball stadium will move to Lents, and Adams' MLS bamboozle remains firmly in place. Distraction successful!

G.M. loses $6 billion in its first quarter, burned through $10.2 billion in three months, and is currently searching for a couple of nickles underneath the couch cushions.

Fighting in Pakistan worsens; up to half a million civilians are on the run.

Dodgers' slugger Manny Ramirez is caught taking performance enhancing drugs, and is sentenced to a 50-game suspension, and incredibly small testicles.

Bernie Madoff's secretary speaks out, and as it turns out, he really liked massage parlor hand jobs. (Financial scammers… so like us.)

Joe the Plumber quits the GOP! (But I'm pretty sure most Republicans are okay with that.)

In the most unsurprising news story of the day, Oprah gives away free coupons to KFC, and a morbidly obese riot ensues.

So why exactly does Miss California Carrie Prejean hate the gays so much? Read this laughably sad story.

And finally, do not miss this amazing footage of an actual Big Foot caught on tape! Now I believe.


I'm sorry.

 

Comments (5) RSS

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1
> So why exactly does Miss California Carrie Prejean hate the gays so much? Read this laughably sad story.

I guess Obama's parents must have accused each other of being gay too, since he holds the exact same views on gay marriage as Prejean. You did know that, right, Perez?
Posted by mr. voluptuous on May 7, 2009 at 11:25 AM · Report
2
The correct spelling is nickels. So there.
Posted by ujfoyt on May 7, 2009 at 12:55 PM · Report
3
If Oprah had any taste, she'd be giving away coupons for Popeye's, instead. Or Church's. Mmmm. Churches.
Posted by Will Radik on May 7, 2009 at 1:06 PM · Report
4
Carrie's mom says the "gay" allegations went both ways. In court papers dated May 16, 2000, a report from the court-appointed counselor says "The mother also alleges the father told the girls their stepfather was gay, that all men with mustaches are gay."

So true. That is why Portland is so gay. The ironic mustaching turns you average young ne'erdowell hipster into a flaming flamer in no time. Poor,poor Carrrie Meanjeans...........
Posted by Abusive on May 7, 2009 at 1:18 PM · Report
5
I'd like to add something to abusive's comment that has nothing to do with the blog post, and everything to do with my anti-mustache crusade: after two or three days, an ironic mustache CEASES TO BE IRONIC, and is now simply a part of your face. Take heed, Portland, and shave those stupid fucking things off already.
Posted by Commenty Colin on May 7, 2009 at 3:37 PM · Report

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