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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, May 14, 2009 at 10:05 AM

Hey, how's it going? Yeah? That's good… that's good. Oh, by the way, remember that new Chrysler dealership you're planning on opening? Mmmm… not such a good idea.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi claims the CIA misled her about waterboarding. She was apparently told that it was "like BMX racing, except on the water."

A former interrogator admits that torture techniques okayed by the Bush administration were "a mistake." (No duh, dipshit. Try to keep up.)

Obama says he will block the release of photos depicting abused prisoners in Afghanistan and Iraq, claiming it would "further inflame anti-American opinion." Actually, he's inflaming my anti-American opinion right now.

House Democrats are considering big changes to the way Americans receive health insurance, including providing "aid" to those making less than $88,000 per year. ("Aid" = saying "Take two aspirin and call us in the morning.")

Pfizer announces it will give away FREE VIAGRA to those who have lost their jobs and health insurance. So… many… jokes… can't… decide… BZZZTT! BZZZZZZTTTT!

Headline of the day: "Man Saves Kangaroo Drowning in Shark-Infested Waters." (What? Did it forget how to kick? Or box?)

Second Best Headline of the day: "Barcelona's Smog Laced with Cocaine." PEW! (That was the sound effect of me racing to the airport.)

Just like the new Star Trek movie is WAAAAY better than the old TV series, this animated version of the Peter Pan book/record set "G.I. Joe: The Secret of the Mummy's Tomb" is already WAAAAY better than the upcoming G.I. Joe film. It really is.

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