This Week in the Mercury

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 20, 2009 at 10:00 AM

Roman Catholic orphanages in Ireland from the 1920s to 1980s: Worse than Abu Ghraib.

Dog fighting quarterback Michael Vick leaves prison, and could return to the NFL as soon as September—unless of course, the NFL has a lick of common sense.

Newt Gingrich calls on Nancy Pelosi to resign, citing that she lied, she's ethically challenged, she's putting American troops in danger, blah, fucking, blah blah blah.

Obama gets the smack-down from the Senate who overwhelmingly voted down his idea to close Gitmo before coming up with a plan of what to do with the detainees. What? Sending them to work at Wal-Mart wasn't a good idea?

Iran apparently has a new missile that can hit Israel as well as American bases. OH YEAH?? Well, we've developed a flying unicorn that can deliver kisses to all the kittens of the world. So there.

Do you give two shits about who won this season's Dancing with the Stars? Here.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons (who's going through a messy divorce right now) plans to veto the state's domestic partnership bill… probably because he doesn't want those poor gay people to suffer like he has.

Bristol Palin to world: "If girls realized the consequences of having sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody." Lesbians would be having sex. BURN!!

According to a new poll, newspapers are rated worse than airlines in customer satisfaction. So from now on the Mercury will provide each reader with salted peanuts, and a fat person sitting next to them.

Need to brush up on your urban lingo? Then just pick up your jack. Holla. Ain't nuthin' to it, you know. Let it do what it do. On the REALS!

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