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Friday, May 22, 2009

Drunk Drinkers Beware

Posted by Andrew R Tonry on Fri, May 22, 2009 at 5:20 PM

59b7/1243038113-1nosparks.jpg

I remember a Mercury party some years ago that was sponsored by Sparks, just when the sweet methamphetic bee nectar was hitting the market. There were big iced barrels full of cans, along with little battery strips. The strips worked like this: press one and hold it to your forehead and a thermometer-like meter would tell you how "charged up" on Sparks you were. (Naturally I forget who it was with, but we tried damn hard to hit the top and no one made it... I guess you're only fully charged up when the strip detects a vein in your forehead has become varicose, protruding to the point of immenent rupture.)

Now, I know, as head of the Engery/Anti-Energy Drink Desk Marjorie has written about the death of Sparks. Perhaps it was just my own absent-minded reading, but I missed something of importance in those posts and judging on the response I received last weekend, you, dear Sparks lover, may have as well.

When the word of demise came down I figured it meant Sparks would cease to appear on the shelves—after all, they had been accused of marketing towards children. So each time I walked into a 7-11 or Plaid Pantry and found that battery-styled can still in the cooler I said to myself, "awesome... there's still a few left--just liquidating that remaining inventory."

WELL NO—THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

Somewhere along the line Miller simply yanked out all the good parts—caffeine, taurine, guarna, and all the other toxic bullshit that power a diesel engine. These were the elements that made Sparks worth the risk of adult onset diabetes. After changing the recipe, Miller left Sparks the shelves, ever so slightly re-designing the cans—replacing the ass-kicking ingredients section with similar text running along the side in the same font and spacing.

So when I was sucking one down at a show last weekend in hopes of making it through the long day/night, a friend approached to give me the news (a special warning which he'd recently received from a fellow Sparks aficionado). The fact that no one else at the party knew afforded me no solace. There I was, sucking on a river of piss-candy sugar-sludge without drugs in it.

They got me. Don't let them get you too. No one's going to keep drinking Sparks for the taste. It's time to get that teasing bitch off the shelves—there's no need for a reminder of the good times we wont be having. Just be gone.

 

Comments (12) RSS

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1
Drink VISO instead. It's made locally, it's not carbonated, it has tons of vitamins, it has LOTS of caffeine, and it's super good.
Posted by ROM on May 22, 2009 at 11:32 PM · Report
2
Why is there a cartoon penis on that girl's stomach?
Posted by Shiny Disco Balls on May 23, 2009 at 1:43 AM · Report
3
Alberta is still better than Broadway cuz of memory.
Posted by Lt. Billiam Esquire III on May 23, 2009 at 5:20 AM · Report
4
They got Tilt too, Joose is where it's at these days.
Posted by gabriel amadeus on May 23, 2009 at 11:31 AM · Report
5
Detachable penis.
Posted by Slate on May 23, 2009 at 11:51 AM · Report
6
You could always pour some blow in it.
Posted by Will Radik on May 23, 2009 at 3:59 PM · Report
7
@Shiny Disco Balls

Cause someone drew it there.
Posted by Matthew D on May 23, 2009 at 10:55 PM · Report
8
It's all about Four Loko now. Beware of the Loko Uva flavor. It's got all the good stuff and twice the alcohol of sparks and it's in a 24 oz. can. The death of sparks has spawned a new and more dangerous drink. Try one and I guarantee you will promise yourself that you will never ever drink one again, for a week.
Posted by Joe Joe on May 24, 2009 at 12:22 AM · Report
9
Um, wow, hate to be the one to inform you but, caffeine, taurine, and guaranine they are all different names for the same thing-and that is caffeine.

So when you hear that an energy drink has guarana, taurine and caffeine then what they are really saying is that is just has caffeine. The chemical nomenclature that allows them to call them three different things was developed as a way of telling you where they got their caffeine from.

Guaranine comes from the guarana plant of South America, Taurine is also from a tropical plant most often grown in Florida, and finally caffeine refers to synthetically obtained caffeine.

That said there is always no doze, or you can chase your liquor with a regular energy drink.
Posted by Palmolita on May 26, 2009 at 3:26 AM · Report
10
Oh, and detachable penis.
Posted by Palmolita on May 26, 2009 at 3:27 AM · Report
11
There was so much orange puke at that party it boggled the mind.


During my SXSW experience about 4 years ago I was introduced to Sparkleberries. Sparks, vodka and cranberry juice. They were $2 and served in pints. The rest is kinda hazy.
Posted by jim on May 26, 2009 at 9:48 AM · Report
12
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taurine

Palmolita, you're a fucking idiot.
Posted by A CAT, probably on May 26, 2009 at 11:20 AM · Report

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