This Week in the Mercury

Film Shorts


Film Shorts

In Which We Hit It and Quit It

<i>The Night Before</i>'s Three Wise Men


The Night Before's Three Wise Men

Wait, That Should Read "Three Dumbasses"

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 27, 2009 at 9:55 AM

What's that dripping sound? Oh, it's blood dripping from conservatives' teeth in anticipation of eating Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor alive.

North Korea threatens to attack American and South Korean warships for trying to prevent them from killing everybody.

More than 90 percent of economists predict the recession will end this year; the members of the Sunnytime Pudding Kitten Friendship Club optimistically agree!

Danny Boyle drops by to check in on the Slumdog kids whose homes were bulldozed by the Mumbai government, and thanks to a very angry father, the visit was… shall we say… AWKWARD.

Bollywood Film Strike! Oh, no! Now where am I going to find some music that makes me want to stick a screwdriver in my ear? (And don't say the Spice Girls, because I love the Spice Girls.)

The four-year-old daughter of Mike Tyson dies after accidentally hanging herself on a treadmill cord.

California gay leaders are taking the Prop 8 fight back to the ballot box, with another election coming as soon as next year. (Oh, and they should tack on an amendment that takes away Miss California's crown!)

The mayor's office commissioned a report to see how many jobs a Lents baseball stadium would create… but they didn't like that one so much. But don't worry! They'll just keep commissioning reports until they find one they like. (Hey, it worked great for the tobacco industry!)

And finally, I like foreigners. Really, I do. However, must they ALWAYS steal our best ideas? Introducing "Keyboard Gato."

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