This Week in the Mercury
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
News Good Morning, News!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 9:56 AM
The Iranian president attempts to suppress the opposition party's newspaper; claims it's because they don't run "Cathy."
Iran just keeps digging itself in deeper and deeper as the European Union threatens to withdraw the ambassadors from all 27 member nations. (Though Iran doesn't really care if France leaves or not.)
Norm Coleman concedes, Sen. Al Franken accepts, and the Democrats have the 60 votes they've long dreamed of. (Five bucks says they find a way to fuck it up.)
A 14-year-old girl miraculously survives a plane crash; demands cape, tights, and an awesome superhero name.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates is looking at new ways to enforce the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy selectively… which means some gays get the shit beat out of them and some don't?
A long delayed CIA report on torture during the Bush Administration is expected to be finally released today—they just want to waterboard it one more time.
Michael Jackson's will cuts out ex-wife Debbie Row—which could mean trouble for Tito and Bubbles, as well.
More drug rumors emerge in the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, and… wait. Did you know that Lou "The Incredible Hulk" Ferrigno was his personal trainer??
And finally, Jon Stewart has his "Your Moment of Zen," and I have "Your Mesmerizing Minute." Ladies and gentlemen, shut off your brain and watch the following video entitled, "SQUIRREL EATING A LEMON."
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AHHH! Get him off of me! HE WANTS MORE LEMONS!!! GET HIM SOME LEMONS!!!!
Ah, if only that was a cat. Then you could make a joke about a sourpuss. By the way, today is Ducknesday. Hooray for Howard. Thank you for your time.
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