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Friday, July 10, 2009

Good Morning, News!!

Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jul 10, 2009 at 9:00 AM

GM OUT OF BANKRUPTCY!!! CEO says he's grateful for a "second chance."

AIG TO HAND OUT BONUSES!!! And why not.

LEVI: PALIN RESIGNED FOR THE MONEY!!! Father of Palin's grandkid says she "had talked about how nice it would be take some of this money people have been offering us and just run with it, and saying forget everything else." As if that's not the reason any conservative Republican does anything...

YOUNG REPUBLICAN LEADER LOLS AT RACISM!!! If I were Lars Larson this morning I'd shoot myself with the state of the GOP, were it not for all the money I was making. Wait. It's all about the money. That's right.

JACKSON IN CRYPT NEXT TO SANDRA DEE, BETTE DAVIS AND LIBERACE!!! He's in storage until the family quits arguing.

PELOSI NIXES JACKSON RESOLUTION IN CONGRESS!!! There's still the minor political problem of the alleged kiddy fiddling.

10 XANAX A NIGHT!!! Bloody hell, Jacko:
169b/1247242819-t_xanax.jpg

JUST LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE MAKES MY LIVER ACHE...

MURDOCH PAPERS FACE GOVERNMENT REVIEW!!! British hacks paid money to settle court cases alleging they hired private investigators to hack into the cell phone messages of numerous public figures, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Elle MacPherson, the deputy prime minister, and even aides to the royal family. "If that had happened I would know about it," Murdoch told Bloomberg News. Now, that's journalism: PLANT A FEW BUGS IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WANTS TO WEAR YELLOW AGAIN!!! He's .22 seconds from leading in the Tour de France.

DEMI MOORE IS 46!!! And looking great.

MORGAN FREEMAN CREEPS ME OUT!!! Christ.

MAYOR RUNNING ALLEGED PUSH POLLS??? We'll poke into this rumor and get back to you.

GAWKER REVENUE UP 35%!!! And with plans to restore bonuses for writers based on hit count. If Mercury writers were incentivized on this basis, you can bet a photo of Demi Moore would have replaced the Xanax up there.

Good day.

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