This Week in the Mercury

Film Shorts

Film

Film Shorts

In Which We Hit It and Quit It


I'll Cry If I Want To

News

I'll Cry If I Want To

Touring the Election Night Parties: Who's Out, Who's In—and Who's Dancing to November



  |  

Friday, July 10, 2009

News Good Morning, News!!

Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jul 10, 2009 at 9:00 AM

GM OUT OF BANKRUPTCY!!! CEO says he's grateful for a "second chance."

AIG TO HAND OUT BONUSES!!! And why not.

LEVI: PALIN RESIGNED FOR THE MONEY!!! Father of Palin's grandkid says she "had talked about how nice it would be take some of this money people have been offering us and just run with it, and saying forget everything else." As if that's not the reason any conservative Republican does anything...

YOUNG REPUBLICAN LEADER LOLS AT RACISM!!! If I were Lars Larson this morning I'd shoot myself with the state of the GOP, were it not for all the money I was making. Wait. It's all about the money. That's right.

JACKSON IN CRYPT NEXT TO SANDRA DEE, BETTE DAVIS AND LIBERACE!!! He's in storage until the family quits arguing.

PELOSI NIXES JACKSON RESOLUTION IN CONGRESS!!! There's still the minor political problem of the alleged kiddy fiddling.

10 XANAX A NIGHT!!! Bloody hell, Jacko:
169b/1247242819-t_xanax.jpg

JUST LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE MAKES MY LIVER ACHE...

MURDOCH PAPERS FACE GOVERNMENT REVIEW!!! British hacks paid money to settle court cases alleging they hired private investigators to hack into the cell phone messages of numerous public figures, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Elle MacPherson, the deputy prime minister, and even aides to the royal family. "If that had happened I would know about it," Murdoch told Bloomberg News. Now, that's journalism: PLANT A FEW BUGS IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WANTS TO WEAR YELLOW AGAIN!!! He's .22 seconds from leading in the Tour de France.

DEMI MOORE IS 46!!! And looking great.

MORGAN FREEMAN CREEPS ME OUT!!! Christ.

MAYOR RUNNING ALLEGED PUSH POLLS??? We'll poke into this rumor and get back to you.

GAWKER REVENUE UP 35%!!! And with plans to restore bonuses for writers based on hit count. If Mercury writers were incentivized on this basis, you can bet a photo of Demi Moore would have replaced the Xanax up there.

Good day.

 

Comments (7) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
10 XANAX A NIGHT!!! (Down from 40-50)
Gawd Damn dude that makes Elvis look like a total pussy!
Posted by Abusive on July 10, 2009 at 9:43 AM · Report
2
That's, like, more than my ex-girlfriend took.
Posted by Will Radik on July 10, 2009 at 9:50 AM · Report
3
Bojack's description doesn't even come close to a "push poll." It sounds an awful lot like a standard-issue, vanilla-flavored actual poll, designed to test the strength of messages for and against Adams. Despite Bojack's moral hysteria over it, these types of polls are what every campaign--every successful campaign, anyway--builds their messages on.
Posted by Stop Parroting Bojack on July 10, 2009 at 11:01 AM · Report
4
What is creepy about two consenting adults fucking their brains out?
Posted by NIG GER on July 10, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report
5
You do realize that AIG is the company that insures the Congressional pension funds?
Posted by ujfoyt on July 10, 2009 at 12:27 PM · Report
6
I agree with you, toolonganame. Apparently, Morgan (unlike Willie Nelson, who admitted this) has not outlived his peepee.
Posted by ujfoyt on July 10, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report
7
10 Xanax? What dose? If they were low dose, it's not as big a deal as if they were monster doses. The number 10 tells us nothing because we don't know what dose the pills were. The 1 mg pic implies as unknown fact.

Please get your act together and do better reporting!
Posted by nestchick on July 10, 2009 at 10:48 PM · Report

Add a comment

Our Friends

Our Enemies

/images/adoftheweek.gif

ad of the day

The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.go


post an ad

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use