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Monday, July 13, 2009

Horrible Justin Timberlake News of the Day

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 13, 2009 at 11:40 AM

No, he's not dead. Stop panicking. Here's how I learned the news:

ERIK HENRIKSEN: Steve… I have horrible news.
STEVE: Like "bullshit horrible" or actually "horrible horrible"?
ERIK: "Horrible horrible."
STEVE: Ughhh. Okay. Hit me. But this better be good.
ERIK: Ryan Reynolds beat out Justin Timberlake for the role of Green Lantern.

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STEVE: (Pause.) WHAT… THE… FUCK?!? I fucking hate that fucking fuck Ryan Reynolds!! This is fucking lunacy! What? Is fucking Sandra Fucking Bullock going to play Carol Ferris?? This is the worst fucking news I've ever heard!! Are they fucking INSANE??? Timberlake would have played the shit out of that part! And now I've got to look at Reynold's stupid fucking fat fucking smug fucking face for two hours. HORSE… SHIT!!! GODDAMN IT, ERIK!! You fucking ruined my fucking day, you idiot piece of shit! GET OUT!! (Throws Star Trek collectible glass at Erik's head.)
ERIK: But I didn't…
STEVE: I SAID… OUT!!! (Pulls out gun tucked in top drawer of desk.)
[Erik exits in terror. Steve spends the next two minutes trashing his office, as the Mercury office manager quickly and quietly evacuates the employees from the building. Eventually, after exhausting himself, Steve begins sobbing uncontrollably, and puts the gun to his temple. Then slowly… lets it drop to the floor, as he collapses into his seat, staring vacantly into the distance.]
STEVE: What could have been… what could have been…

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UPDATE! Natalie Portman has been tapped to join the cast of Kenneth Branagh's THOR. Death… we shall not dance today.

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