This Week in the Mercury

Geek Out

Film

Geek Out

Wonderfully Horrific


AppleTalk

Film

AppleTalk

Steve Jobs: The Lost Interview: In Which Steve Jobs Reveals ALL OF HIS DARK SECRETS



  |  

Monday, July 13, 2009

Film Horrible Justin Timberlake News of the Day

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 13, 2009 at 11:40 AM

No, he's not dead. Stop panicking. Here's how I learned the news:

ERIK HENRIKSEN: Steve… I have horrible news.
STEVE: Like "bullshit horrible" or actually "horrible horrible"?
ERIK: "Horrible horrible."
STEVE: Ughhh. Okay. Hit me. But this better be good.
ERIK: Ryan Reynolds beat out Justin Timberlake for the role of Green Lantern.

99c3/1247509526-6a00d8341bfc7553ef011571f177b2970b-400wi.jpg

STEVE: (Pause.) WHAT… THE… FUCK?!? I fucking hate that fucking fuck Ryan Reynolds!! This is fucking lunacy! What? Is fucking Sandra Fucking Bullock going to play Carol Ferris?? This is the worst fucking news I've ever heard!! Are they fucking INSANE??? Timberlake would have played the shit out of that part! And now I've got to look at Reynold's stupid fucking fat fucking smug fucking face for two hours. HORSE… SHIT!!! GODDAMN IT, ERIK!! You fucking ruined my fucking day, you idiot piece of shit! GET OUT!! (Throws Star Trek collectible glass at Erik's head.)
ERIK: But I didn't…
STEVE: I SAID… OUT!!! (Pulls out gun tucked in top drawer of desk.)
[Erik exits in terror. Steve spends the next two minutes trashing his office, as the Mercury office manager quickly and quietly evacuates the employees from the building. Eventually, after exhausting himself, Steve begins sobbing uncontrollably, and puts the gun to his temple. Then slowly… lets it drop to the floor, as he collapses into his seat, staring vacantly into the distance.]
STEVE: What could have been… what could have been…

fa6f/1247509492-greenlantern.jpg

UPDATE! Natalie Portman has been tapped to join the cast of Kenneth Branagh's THOR. Death… we shall not dance today.

 

Comments (9) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
That guy is the UNHOLY spawn of Burt Reynolds!
I do love Burt tho - BUTT HIS SON DOTH SUCKETH!
Posted by Abusive on July 13, 2009 at 11:53 AM · Report
2
Can we come back inside now? Are the fires out?
Posted by Williams, Jay on July 13, 2009 at 12:10 PM · Report
3
I'm unfamiliar with this particular project, but I look forward to it being another John Waters masterpiece. He really knows how to make people squirm with his casting and over the top gay/lesbian community in-jokes, so I'll have to trust his judgement on this one.

Look on the bright side, an entertainer as obviously talented as Justin will have many more opportunities in the future to represent the gay community.

P.S. When is Captain Sarcastic getting his movie deal done?
Posted by fahqueue on July 13, 2009 at 1:00 PM · Report
4
Which Lantern is he playing?

Also: I'm working on a little stand up routine about watching '90s TV movies on Sunday afternoons, and trying to figure out if they're dramas or comedies. One of the questions I ask is if the young person who runs his dead father's corporation is a tragic, mentally ill character, or if he's just being played by a young Ryan Reynolds.
Posted by Kyle! on July 13, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report
5
Ryan Reynold's face is not fat! In fact it's quitet's comely and chisled as is the rest of him -yum! I don't really care as long as they show his ass.

JT is way too babyfaced to play GL plus he's only like 4 feet tall. They'd have to rename him Green Lantern Jr. or Kid Lantern.


Posted by Beer Batter on July 13, 2009 at 5:11 PM · Report
6
I don't think the Green Lantern needs to be particularly tall or fit to shoot magic green energy with a magic green ring.
Posted by atomic on July 13, 2009 at 5:51 PM · Report
7
You're all assuming Hal is gonna' be the ONLY Green Lantern in this flick. I mean, you think Justin is just gonna' go away...Into the great Oa in the sky?

Hells no... He's a total lock for Guy Gardner.

You know this to be true.
Posted by GeekintheCity on July 14, 2009 at 3:24 PM · Report
8
I'm on suicide watch because of this.
Posted by daneh on July 14, 2009 at 7:28 PM · Report
9
GET OUT OF MY HEAD STEVE!!!!

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown/2009/0…
Posted by kiala on July 14, 2009 at 7:31 PM · Report

Add a comment

Our Friends

Our Enemies

/images/adoftheweek.gif

ad of the day

The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.go


post an ad

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use