This Week in the Mercury

Roll Another Number

Feature

Roll Another Number

Great Stoner Albums You Need to Hear (It's Time You Went Beyond "Sweet Leaf" and Dark Side of the Moon)


Wonderful World

Music

Wonderful World

Leon Bridges' Sweet, Smooth Soul



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 10:04 AM

TWO New Jersey mayors have been arrested on suspicion of broad-based corruption and money-laundering schemes. (Confidential to the "Recall Sam" supporters: Way to keep Portland provincial!)

President Obama to us: "H-E-A! L-T-H! My health care system will make America great! RAAAAAHHHH!"

Global surveys show that Obama has done wonders for America's reputation, and could only be improved if we sent Dick Cheney to Abu Ghraib.

The Dow surpasses 9,000 for the first time all year, and Ford reported a second-quarter profit. And the housing market is starting to recover, too? I would celebrate if it weren't for this darn PTSD.

To Mercury employees: This device will be installed on each of your desks. So cheer up, loser.

Headline: "Man Claims He Found Condom in Bowl of French Onion Soup." See? Another reason to dislike the French.

Another shooting in Portland prompts cops to hold a "gang Q&A" today for honky reporters. Or, I can save everyone a lot of time by providing a perfectly reasonable explanation: "It's summer, and it's hot, ya'll."

And finally, what the world needs now is a hilarious cartoon about Hall & Oates' John Oates and his mustache. What's that? They're making one called J-Stache? Ohhhh, yesssss. I may have to recant my disbelief in God.

Comments (2)

Showing 1-2 of 2

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-2 of 2

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy