This Week in the Mercury
Friday, July 31, 2009
News Good Morning, News!!
Posted by Matt Davis on Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Because it's still the morning, and this is still the news:
THE AWL ON PORTLAND!!! Oh Jesus. It's part of a serial novel:
Portland was, if possible, even better than all those stories from the Times about how everyone rides their bikes and hangs out at bookstores and listens to The Shins. It was a paradise where food carts served waffle sandwiches, guys with Crass tattoos made their own yogurt, and no one ever asked what you did for a living.
But what to do for work if she moved here?
“Do you think I could be a stripper? I mean, I would be a subversive one because I would only dance to, like, Belle and Sebastian and Bikini Kill and I would probably try to organize a union.” Nicole stopped the waitress and asked for agave for her yerba mate. “And then I could write about it, like Diablo Cody or that Miranda July story that was in the New Yorker.”
Ahh, that's more like it...
“Why does everything have to be so virtuous in Portland?” Nicole held her whisk aloft. “Someone was guilt tripping me at New Seasons the other day for forgetting to bring my own Sigg bottle. Can’t I just drink my liter of Fiji water in peace?”
MC HAMMER'S COUSIN IN ALLEGED TWITTER RAPE!!! Yes, this is a real story.
MEL GIBSON "ATTACKED" SOMEONE... This is hardly news these days.
BEER SUMMIT!!! I am so in love with this photograph it hurts:
BITCH SLAP 'EM!!! Larry Flint's advice to the President on how to deal with Republicans.
I SAID, BITCH SLAP 'EM!!! 58 percent of Republicans doubt the President is an American.
HERO IS...OH SHIT...CHILD RAPIST!!! OOPS... New York Times eulogizes about a man living under a bridge, neglects to mention unfortunate fellow's past.
JOE DIMAGGIO, FULL FRONTAL!!! You know what I said about the "beer summit" earlier? I actually meant I am so in love with THIS photograph, it hurts. Click for the soapy life size version. Also, perhaps, an erection!
JUDE LAW'S KID!!! LOVE CHILD!!! LOVE CHILD!!! Why couldn't God give us all wombs?
PELOSI: HEALTH INSURERS ARE "IMMORAL VILLAINS..." Didn't call any cops "stupid," though.
CHICK FLICK OF THE DECADE!!! Even I want to see this stupid movie.
JESSICA SIMPSON WEIGHT LOSS FRAUD!!! Oh no she dih-unt.
Good day.
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