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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ethics Strong Enough for a Man, but pH-Balanced to Totally Dissolve Yo Brainz!

Posted by Lindy West on Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 11:44 AM

Hippie sham? Or ALZHEIMERS DEATH PASTE!?
  • Hippie sham? Or ALZHEIMER'S DEATH PASTE!?

Okay, so, you know how the whole world won't shut up about how this stuff that I rub on my armpits every day is a total murderer? And I'm slowly murdering myself to death in the name of vanity, when, instead, I could daintily brush a sprig of lavender (OR A MAGICKAL CRYSTAL) 'gainst the offending region and be just as non-stinky*, with the added bonus of never, EVER being allegedly starved to death by my ne'er-do-well children because they're tired of my Alzheimer's-induced feces consumption?

I resisted for years (I LOVE CHEMICALS), but three days ago I made the switch to hippie deodorant. And you know what? Thanks for nothing, Sir Thomas, King of All Maine! The only difference between me without greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm and me with greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm is a certain HINT OF UNDERARM BAKING SODA GREASINESS. I smell a sham. Sham! (Also, an armpit!)

So even though science seems to say that antiperspirant is not a serial killer (and rapist!), how come everyone else in armpit-monitoring society says it is? Is it because people love screaming? What is a lady to do? What is the answer to this quandary!? I just want someone to tell me what I should rub on my armpit (and don't say "come"—I know how you people work).


*Incidentally, my natural bouquet is something approaching Pillsbury Crescent Rolls (with a hint of rainbow!) and needs no chemical cover-up but, in fact, is currently the object of a heated bidding war between several Korean industrial air freshener corporations (I thank you kindly for the Pepperidge Farm Cornucopious Country Meat Basket™, Mr. Kim**, but all the summer sausage in the world won't change my mind). But it's the principle of the thing, you know.

**Incidentally, as founder and CEO of Kim & Sons' Original Industrial Air Freshener and Summer Sausage Emporium, Mr. Kim does produce all the summer sausage in the world.

 

Comments (11) RSS

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1
Incomprehensible
Posted by D on September 9, 2009 at 11:52 AM · Report
2
You gotta get the flavored Tom's loafs. Those have masking agents. I'm a dude, so I use "Key Lime."
Posted by ROM on September 9, 2009 at 11:59 AM · Report
3
Just go with non-Tom's deodorant. Antiperspirant is the one with all the aluminum issues.
Posted by Jayzor on September 9, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Report
4
I'm personally not a fan of antiperspirant... mainly because I'd need some sort of industrial prescription antiperspirant to do any good.

But don't listen to the hippies and nay-sayers, where what makes you happy. I'm wear Old Spice Original. It makes me smell like girls's dads. Then I can get that Elektra-complex poontang.
Posted by Graham on September 9, 2009 at 12:57 PM · Report
5
I like the Arm & Hammer all natural deodorants. They're great.
Posted by jim on September 9, 2009 at 12:57 PM · Report
6
The Magickal Crystal works great for me. I tried using Tom's and other natural deoderants (haven't tried Arm & hammer) but they all gave me a rash and didn't really work.
Posted by Jinx on September 9, 2009 at 1:03 PM · Report
7
Let your body sweat. Take a shower from time to time, especially when you're starting to get stinky. Let some pheromones emanate once in a while, it will help you get laid. Don't don't be anal, but don't be neglectful. Just don't worry about it too much and save your money. Most of that crap doesn't work and/or smells like shit anyway. Not to mention the health issues.
Posted by iwouldprefernotto on September 9, 2009 at 1:12 PM · Report
8
If they are shaved, have your lover lick them clean for you. If not, shave them and have your lover lick them clean for you.
Posted by Demondog on September 9, 2009 at 2:05 PM · Report
9
Have to go with Tom's because everything else aggravates psoriasis. Ouch! Burning armpit!

Not because of fear, paranoia, etc. Also, it is my understanding that those chemical deodorants signal your presence to bears, and who needs that kind of grief?
Posted by nestchick on September 9, 2009 at 3:38 PM · Report
10
@nestchick

I knew quite a few men in SF who would LOVE that kind of grief.
Posted by kiala on September 9, 2009 at 4:17 PM · Report
11
Lush has several natural deos too... quite a nice range of scents and strengths and they work. Go online and see if there's a store near you and go in and ask for a couple of samples.
Posted by teffinb on September 21, 2009 at 8:19 AM · Report

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