This Week in the Mercury
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
$$$ Here's a Hint: That's Not Water
Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Tue, Sep 22, 2009 at 11:19 AM
Water should not have calories. I say this because it seems we’ve forgotten that fact. If you’re drinking some kind of bottled “water” and you’re concerned that it has too many calories, then you’re not actually drinking water. What you are drinking is weak juice. Also, any product that claims to have fewer calories than your current “water” is also not water because, as I noted before, water should not have calories. Zero. Zip. Nada. If you happen to be drinking a flavored beverage without calories, you’re being ripped off. Essentially what you’re drinking is the weakest juice known to man, which is still not water.
The only way we can combat this shit is by being sensible. If you’re working out, all you need is water (unless you’re an elite athlete like Matt Davis who tells me he also requires electrolytes). If you’re a busy executive worried about hydration, all you need is water. If you’re a soccer mom or a hobo or the King of fucking Spain, all you need is water.
If you want flavor, drink juice. Actual juice. Or eat a piece of fruit and then drink a glass of water.
You want vitamins? There are plenty of multi-vitamins on the market. Pick one. You are not so busy that you need to put vitamins in your water. In fact, if you’re taking vitamins in pill form, you’re using the water to swallow them anyway. It’s essentially the same thing.
Why am I getting so worked up? Take a gander at this press release I just received:
HINT naturally and light flavored water is a great way for your readers to get a flavor-fix without the nasty, useless calories and carbs, and with no added sugar it’s the perfect beverage to keep you hydrated without the stress of calorie-counting.
You know what else is the perfect beverage to keep you hydrated without the stress of calorie-counting? It’s called water. It’s free at numerous Benson bubblers across the city. But then again, Miley Cyrus and Victoria Beckham would never be caught dead drinking water.
- They All Drink HINT.
Sometimes, I’m pretty sure we’re all doomed.
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Whatever, PAC. You should try drinking Viso. (http://www.drinkviso.com) It does the hydration crap, caffeine awesome and necessary vitamin fuck-alls.
It just needs vodka.
I prefer vodka. Without the water. Or the fake flavanoids. And I'll get my vitamins from the red bull like God intended.
I've tried Viso-- that shit is gross.
New canned Viso and the new flavor formulations suck. I'm so angry about it. Plus, they stole 4 of our ounces.
You know what's funny about the vitamin fixation on that weak juice? As far as water-soluble vitamins such as Vitamin C are concerned, if you take in more than your body needs, you're just going to piss it out anyway. Keep that in mind the next time you grab an Odwalla C-Monster or that megavitamin complex pill and ooh and aah over the ginormous percentage number over the US Recommended Daily Allowance.
(With Vitamins A and D, since they're oil-soluble, overdosing on them is a great way to watch God smack you in the head while screaming "The power of Darwin compels you!" Not only will this fry out your liver and kidneys, but the side effects are particularly nasty. As a kid, I read a book on Antarctic explorers, and I remember one pair feeding on seal and dog liver because they had no other food. Seal liver contains a potentially lethal dose of Vitamin A, and they realized that they were in trouble when the palms of their hands and the soles of their feet peeled off. The book even went into detail on one of the two applying mineral ointment to the inside of the soles of his feet, taping them back on, and then having to get moving across the ice. So please, people, keep going with megadoses of oil-soluble vitamins. It's more fun than watching the aftermath of a nuclear attack.)
@A CAT, I agree that the new cans suck. But I do like the new-ish Concord Grape Grapefruit flavor. I think it's a bit more savory than the other caffeinated Visos.
Thank you. This post reminds me of a girl I saw in Huntington Beach with fake blond hair, giant fake tits and an obvious sugar daddy, wearing a tank top with the words "GO GREEN" across the front.
Grape grapefruit is definitely the current best, but it's also been reformulated. Back in the bottle days, I could only find it at Uwajimaya for some reason. Still good, but not as good.
Also, the non-resealable is ridiculous. While I certainly like 300mg of caffeine at a time on occasion, I appreciated the ability to recap and save for afternoon or the next morning.
Yeah, fuck all this alt-water shit, it's a fleecing of America I tell you!
And I totally agree with you, cat, Viso let us down big time.
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