This Week in the Mercury
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Biscuits "It's a Trap!": Safety Tips from Admiral Ackbar
Posted by Admiral Ackbar on Tue, Sep 22, 2009 at 9:43 AM
Hi, Kids!
It's me, Admiral Ackbar from that Star Wars movie. You know, I'm pretty good at figuring out traps. And now, you can learn the "11 Traps" adults use in their constant efforts to molest you. Please watch the following video about "Stranger Danger" and see if you can guess which of the following skeezy adults are setting traps for gullible children such as yourself. (Hint: It's all of them.)
Wasn't that educational, kids? By the way, did you know we're shooting one of the new Star Wars movies in my windowless van across the street? Wanna be in it? C'mon! Let's go!
1
He's been an Admiral for at least 25 years! Shouldn't he be retired yet? Maybe he is. I dunno. Is he coming to the next quiz night?
5
Thanks for keeping most of the galaxy safe once again Admiral.
Although on our planet, 90% of the molestation is perpetrated by someone the parents introduced into the child's life and not a stranger*. Our pedophiles are usually quite charming and will place themselves in positions of trust in order to gain access to their sexual targets, like say, a mentoring city councilman or a basketball coach.
*In fact, most of the time on Terra, its a stranger who's going to get the Terran child out of kludgfarn, er trouble.
Although on our planet, 90% of the molestation is perpetrated by someone the parents introduced into the child's life and not a stranger*. Our pedophiles are usually quite charming and will place themselves in positions of trust in order to gain access to their sexual targets, like say, a mentoring city councilman or a basketball coach.
*In fact, most of the time on Terra, its a stranger who's going to get the Terran child out of kludgfarn, er trouble.
6
That's all well and good, but what if the guy in the slowly-driving-by car *is* a professional photographer who is about to change your life for the better? Won't you always wonder? As the years roll by, and you are working your unmolested butt off at the grill at Burger King, aren't you going to be tormented by thoughts of the lucrative child-modeling career that wasn't? Nay, the lucrative child-modeling career that launched you into starring roles on situation comedies, direct-to-DVD feature films, and eventually, Kirk-Cameron-esque gigs as a renowned science popularizer? HMMM?
Most Commented on Blogtown, PDX
-
Mandatory French Fries on Sandwiches: CONDEMN OR ALLOW? by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
-
Win Valentine's Dinner for Two at Central by Alison Hallett
-
Let's Play the Game of
LoveThrones by Erik Henriksen -
In Which Bobby Roberts Attempts to Ruin the One Thing That Made Me Happy Today by Erik Henriksen
-
Should Portland Ban Cops From Using Horses and Pepper Spray to Bust Up Protests? by Denis C. Theriault
-
New Paris Laws Give Bikes Okay to Run Red Lights; Ooh-La-La! by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
-
"I Have Chickens Too!" by Alison Hallett
-
Tonight! KATU Wants Everyone to Be Afraid of Marauding Crazy People! by Denis C. Theriault
-
CAT BREADING UPDATE: Which Mercury Employee Succumbed to the Pressure? by Bobby Roberts
-
THE ROCK IN 2012 by Erik Henriksen
Our Friends
- UrbanHonking
- Culture Shock
- Portland Roundball Society
- Steph Cassano
- Cort and Fatboy
- Street Roots
- Powell's Books Blog
- Portland Transport
- Portland Afoot
- Bike Portland
- Eater: PDX
- Portland Food and Drink
- Mr. Movie
- Sunday Softball
- BlueOregon
- Sightline Institute
- Ultra: Arts Portland
- Bitch Magazine
- Blazer's Edge
- Reading Local: Portland
- Portland Food Carts
- Stumptown Vegans
Our Enemies
The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.
Bands Page
Housing
Jobs
Musicians
For Sale
Wheels
Services
Health
The Arts
Friends 'N' Neighbors
Bulletin Board
Personals
Adult
About Portland Mercury
RSSGoing to Seattle?
Comments (6) RSS