This Week in the Mercury


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

SPIDER-MAN IS THE LIZARD! AN EXCLUSIVE DAILY BUGLE EDITORIAL BY J. JONAH JAMESON

Posted by J. Jonah Jameson on Tue, Sep 22, 2009 at 4:35 PM

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THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART US FOREVER, DIDN'T YOU, SPIDER-MAN?

Or should I say: THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART US FOREVER, DIDN'T YOU... THE LIZARD!? For too long, New York has been menaced by social malcontents in children's costumes who play willy-nilly with the lives of this city's fair and honest citizens! For too long, the public menace known as SPIDER-MAN has spoilt this grand city with his nefarious schemes and attention-hungry stunts—causing many a New Yorker undue grief and dissatisfaction!

And don't get me started on THE LIZARD! That freak has been crawling about the sewers and sloughs of our admirable metropolis for DECADES, always harboring a sordid and crafty plot, or perhaps ordering about those miniature, even freakier tiny lizards that he has at his beck and call! To those of you who claim Spider-Man is some sort of "hero," I ask you this: WHAT SORT OF "HERO" ALLOWS A MAN-SIZED LIZARD TO PROWL ABOUT NEW YORK CITY AT ITS LEISURE, LEAVING SMEARS OF HIS UNSANITARY AND UNSIGHTLY REPTILIAN SLIME WHEREVER HE GOES AND NO DOUBT SUPPING ON OUR CITIZENS' PETS AND YOUNGSTERS?!

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  • Photo credit: Peter Parker/Daily Bugle

WELL, NO MORE! Proudly displaying its usual tradition of reliability and inquisitiveness, the award-winning DAILY BUGLE is proud to report that we have discovered PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF that the fiend known as THE LIZARD is, in fact, SPIDER-MAN!

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We trust this PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE will be enough, but should you read more, the Daily Bugle's London bureau has the details.

As the revered and admired PUBLISHER of the DAILY BUGLE, I hereby request—nay, DEMAND—that the New York City Police Department IMMEDIATELY arrest Spider-Man, AKA the Lizard, so that New York's disgusted citizens can begin PRESSING CHARGES. I also DEMAND that you bring me a fresh pot of coffee and a cigar! No, Betty, you halfwit! Don't write that down! STOP TRANSCRIBING! And get Robbie up here ASAP! We've got a new page one!

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