Obama makes his first speech as president to the U.N. general assembly, where his main theme was, "America: We're Not Dickheads Anymore… PROMISE!"

Iranian President (and Holocaust denier and nuclear arms builder) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad urges Obama to see him as "a friend." Unsurprisingly, Obama has yet to schedule any racquetball dates.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi blasts U.N. leadership; looks really fucking weird.

Actress McKenzie Phillips admits to an incestuous affair with her father and lead singer of the Mamas and the Papas, John Phillips. Unfortunately, the story gets worse.

Celebrity physician Dr. Sanjay Gupta catches the swine flu. Dr. Phil? YOU'RE NEXT.

And finally, it may be surprising to note that Glenn Beck was an a-hole even when he was a "morning zoo" shock jock back in 1986. Or maybe not. POOR CHIMPANZEE!!