This Week in the Mercury

Doin' It to You


Doin' It to You

Luke Sweeney Embraces the Studio

I, Anonymous

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 9:47 AM

At least 89 people killed as a tsunami crashes into the Samoa Islands.

An earthquake in Indonesia kills 75.

A typhoon kills over 300 in Southeast Asia. JESUS CHRIST! ENOUGH WITH THE NATURAL DISASTERS ALREADY!

Troop withdrawal from Iraq speeds up, with 4,000 more soldiers expected home next month.

Anti-choice zealots try to sneak in anti-abortion provisions into the health care overhaul… and are ABORTED.

Transportation secretary Ray LaHood is calling distracted drivers (those talking on cellphones and texting) a "menace to society." In a related story, Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson is suing Mr. LaHood for copyright infringement.

Get ready for the Apple Tablet (debuting in January 2010), which is basically an iPod for newspapers, books and magazines, and promises to be yet another device to utterly confuse your grandma!

According to Us Magazine, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND JESSICA BIEL HAVE SPLIT! (Move over ladies! I'm not afraid to throw an elbow!)

A Jimmy Kimmel/Sarah Silverman sex tape? Mmmmmmmmmm... no thanks.

And finally, just to keep things in perspective


I kind of wish Jess' parents were still alive, too. (Maybe then she wouldn't be such a downer.)

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