Will this Saturday be the best food day of your entire young, restless, hungry life? Hells yes. Two reasons: cheese and bacon.

So I’m sure anyone who’s been reading Blogtown for any significant amount of time has heard more than they’ve ever wanted to hear about my tortured relationship with bacon. It’s complicated. Also, hearing me whine about it has likely become as tiresome as the bacon kitsch that prompted my withdrawal from cured pork belly in the first place. So I’m just going to call a truce. I’ll go ahead and enjoy bacon, taking deep calming breaths when I run into something as infuriating as bacon cheesecake. At least when I’m sober. If I’m intoxicated, that cheesecake does not stand a chance (I told you it was complicated).

You better bet I’ll have at least four of my six sheets to the wind when I breeze into Baconfest at E 18th and Burnside this Saturday between 3 — 10 pm. Boozed up will likely be the only way to truly enjoy what promises to be a somewhat conflicted event for me. A bacon dance off in which people eat bacon between rounds of dancing? A bacon eating contest sure to lead to the removal of at least one gallbladder? Bacon merchandise? Bacon foods? Enough grease stains to make my dry cleaner weep? I’m equally repelled and fascinated.

The best part is that all proceeds go to the Oregon Food Bank and Outside In, two organizations for whom I’d happily have my gallbladder removed (if it ever came to that). $5 and two cans of food get you through the gate.

If that’s not going to be enough fat in your system, then go ahead and start your day off at Green Dragon [928 SE 9th Street], 10 am to 4 pm, for The Wedge, a farmers market style cheese fest to benefit the Oregon Cheese Guild and the Oregon Food Bank.

Cheese producers from five Western states will be on hand to showcase and sample their products. We’re talkin’ 25 producers, each with probably more than one cheese. Even if you’re sampling, the odds are you’re going to sate your Saturday cheese craving. And you said it would never be sated! Never!

Even better will be the cheese seminars for $10 a pop (or $25 for all three), which includes a beer and cheese tasting, a spirits and cheese tasting, and a how-to-make-your-own-cheese-board class (apparently not as simple as throwing a melting wheel of brie on a plate and telling your guest to choke on it—sorry, Gary, it was just a bad day).

To put a shine on the thing, there will be free talks, children’s events, and a make your own em-effin grilled cheese station! Wut!!!??

Once this Saturday has ended, you’ll go home and listen to the epic battle between dairy and pig as they fight their way through your digestive system. O, such sweet music.