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Friday, October 16, 2009

Portland Hipster Fish Assault

Posted by Dave Bow on Fri, Oct 16, 2009 at 12:26 PM

OMG. What's the weirdest part of this updated Oregonian story about the Portland stabber (that we briefly mentioned in Good Morning News a couple of days ago):


  • 1. That it is about Mr. Fite stabbing his ex-girlfriend's betta fish, DeLorean, in a jealous rage?

  • 2. That he told police "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish?"
  • 3. That the ex-girlfriend didn't show up for his court hearing, but requested that the man pay for a memorial tattoo of the fish?

  • 4. That The Oregonian calls him a "hipster" in the headline?

fitejpg-abe820fcd166390d_small.jpg

Have we finally found the definition of "hipster?" Does it mean "fish-stabber?"

Fite's attorney said that stabbing the fish was “a very low point” in his client’s life, and that Fite is "absolutely mortified and ashamed about what he did to the fish."

This was a very low point, but not the lowest. Rumor has it that Jeremy Fite once dated a marine biologist and karate-chopped a shark when she broke up with him. Fish beware!

(Thanks to Natasha Stoudt for the link)

 

Comments (11) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Looks like a hipster to me. Nice specs, loser!
Posted by The Showstopper on October 16, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report
2
Hipster means dumbass with obnoxious glasses and without manhood
Posted by D on October 16, 2009 at 12:58 PM · Report
3
I'd read the original story a couple of days ago and thought it was a pretty sad domestic violence story. The author of this 'Idaho's Portugal' story attempted to make it sound like a quirky incident. Reading the original news story, I thought that the mug shot looked less like a hipster than a psychotic domestic abuser. Interesting that he's now reframed by the author with the less derogatory term of hipster.
Posted by Michelle on October 16, 2009 at 1:07 PM · Report
4
Yeah the point that was missed in all the hilarity was that he hit her, first. I'm with Michelle.
Posted by Matt Davis on October 16, 2009 at 1:40 PM · Report
5
Ironic glasses? Check.
Ironic hair? Check.
Ironic disregard for modern standards of comportment with regard to women? Check.
Ironic tats and can of PBR? Can't tell from this picture.

Still, I'm calling it. He's a hipster.
Posted by Steve R. on October 16, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report
6
oh, please do go through each and every one of the multnomah county sherrifs' office mugshots and tell me which ones you think enjoy Pabst. that would be so hilarious. then you could write an essay about how much of a hipster you're not. maybe it could be the next hard-hitting Mercury cover story.
Posted by Chunty McHutchence on October 16, 2009 at 2:15 PM · Report
7
Ironic hair? wha.....

What about ironic sideburns? And I wonder if he ironically broke his nose at some point in the past.
Posted by ROM on October 16, 2009 at 2:17 PM · Report
8
The girlfriend broke his nose.

The real story here is that beating up the woman = misdemeanor.

Stabbing a fish = felony.

The priorities of the DA are a bit confused.
Posted by Number Six on October 16, 2009 at 2:31 PM · Report
9
Isn't a betta a bit small for stabbing? What did he use, a sewing needle?
Posted by iwouldprefernotto on October 16, 2009 at 3:25 PM · Report
10
This story is... a month old.
Posted by Sara on October 16, 2009 at 3:50 PM · Report
11
He must be fast with a knife. They're both hipsters. "Memorial tattoo?" hahaha. Douchebags.
Posted by Will Radik on October 20, 2009 at 3:09 AM · Report

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