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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Savage Love Letter of the Day

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Nov 3, 2009 at 2:35 PM

I'm a 22-year-old bi guy with a preference for males. My last relationship was with a female with whom I've stayed friends. Since we broke up we've been hooking up maybe once a month. The first two times she said she didn't want to hook up anymore, but she kept initiating sex. I like sex, so I went along with it. This continued after she started seeing someone (I didn't know at first) and she felt guilty the first time, but then seemed okay with it: I assumed that she had discussed it with her bisexual BF. She invited me to engage in a threesome with her and her BF, and thereafter I was fucking both her and him independently of each other every two weeks, which my ex thought was sexy. The sex continued to be initiated by both of them, not me, although I wanted it. Soon, my ex's BF encouraged me to pursue a romantic relationship with him, with his current GF, my ex, having primacy. I assumed that he had okayed it with his GF. It didn't take long to realize that he was incapable of having two relationships at once and he stopped fucking me because he was afraid of "using" me, even though it was consensual. My ex also stopped having sex with me (although the BF had okayed the sex) and began to ignore me as a friend.

The rest of the letter and my response after the jump...

When I confronted her about this, she said she was mad at me for the brief, attempted relationship with her BF. When I indicated that it was her BF's idea and that it was his responsibility to make sure it was okay with her, she responded that her BF can do whatever he wants. She has also been distancing herself from me b/c she believes we can't be friends without me wanting sex from her when the reality is that I had only been expecting sex from her because she kept initiating. She said she considers all her initiations to be mistakes and says she always felt like crap after. Obviously there has been some major communication problems... where did I go wrong?

It Takes Two Or Three To Tango

You made two highly convenient and awfully self-serving assumptions there, ITTOTTT.

When you continued to fuck your ex after she started seeing someone else you "assumed that she had discussed" fucking you with her new bisexual BF; when you started to pursue a romantic relationship with your ex-girlfriend's bisexual boyfriend—only after the threesome because you're gentlemanly like that—you "assumed he had okayed it" with your ex. While you were under no obligation to make certain that the two of them were being honest with each other, ITTOTTT, you failed to do your poly due diligence and your failure disqualifies you from playing the victim. All you had to do was ask a few questions: "So your BF/GF is okay with this? You talked two talked about this? He/she knows about me and what we're up to, right?" You didn't ask those questions and I think we both know why: If the answer in either case was "no," ITTOTTT, then you couldn't have continued to sleep with both these people with a semi-clear conscience. You assumed they were doing the right thing because you didn't want to find out they weren't.

Sorry, ITTOTTT, but the ethical slut—if I may borrow a phrase/title—doesn't just assume that his sex partners are being honest with their sex partners. He asks questions and demands proof; he trusts but verifies. Or failing that, ITTOTTT, the semi-ethical slut takes some responsibility for the ensuing shitstorm when it turns out that his self-serving assumptions were inaccurate.

In short: an already messy situation was made messier by the assumptions you made, ITTOTTT, as your assumptions allowed both these affairs to go on longer than they coulda, woulda, shoulda.

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