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Monday, November 16, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 16, 2009 at 10:19 AM

Even though they lost 1.5 billion in their third quarter, G.M. vows to repay a billion dollars in tax payer money in December. Geez! We don't hate you that much!

Obama tells a group of Shanghai students that the U.S. and China don't have to be rivals, and that our relationship doesn't have to be competitive because c'mon, we will obviously win at some point because our country is more awesome and more better and U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

After years in prison, Guantanamo Bay inmates are finally getting their day in court. U.S.A.? U.S.A.? U.S.A.?

Hey everybody! If you've been missing Sarah Palin—AND YOU HAVEN'T—get ready for SARAH PALIN WEEK™!

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi hosts the WORST "hot chick party" EVER!! Dude, seriously! Where is your game?

"When John Hennessey was 10 years old, he was sent from a war-weary Britain to an orphanage in Australia, where he was told food was plentiful and children rode kangaroos to school." As it turns out there were no kangaroo rides—unless that's a euphemism for being beaten and sexually abused.

From the L.A. Times: "Boys born to mothers who have above-normal levels of the controversial chemicals known as phthalates in their urine are less likely to exhibit masculine behavior." Dear guys of the Mercury: This explains YOU.

In a related story, Dear guys of the Mercury: This video is for YOU.


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