Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Detroit Pistons. The Blazers are fresh from a five game road trip, and much like this movie, a great time was had by all. There were laughs, tears (mostly from Travis Outlaw), and four victories to one measly defeat. The Pistons on the other hand, are worse off than the career of that film's star. At best, they are a transitional team with a bevy of injuries and a few bad contracts on the books. Blazers vs Pistons, let's get UNR8D...
PRE-GAME:
Let's all take amount to mourn the temporary loss of Travis Outlaw, who is currently (or at least, hopefully) riding the Percocet train right now following his surgery early today to repair the "fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot." Save some of those glorious pills for me, stretch. He'll be out three-five months.
Remember all the panic about the Blazers being too deep? Good times. Now the team is kiddie pool shallow, especially at a forward position once overflowing with players. Juwan Howard will get the bulk of the Outlaw minutes, which is both great (veteran leadership!) and terrible (he's older than God!) news. This also puts pressure on Rudy Fernandez to consistently produce for the team. You hear that, Rudy? No longer will your rugged European looks get you off the hook when you... aw... I can never be mad at those eyes. Come here and let me playfully tassel tousle your hair. 'Atta boy.
FIRST QUARTER:
11:50 - Amazing. Greg Oden is called for his first foul 10 seconds into the game. It wasn't much, too. It might be a long night. 0-0.
8:55 - Charlie Villanueva is called for a foul and flips out, maybe he should express his anger in 140 characters. 7-6 Pistons.
6:15 - With about six minutes since his last foul, plus a pair of blocks and rebounds, looks like Oden will be just fine. 15-9 Portland.
4:51 - It's weird to watch these two teams and not see Rasheed Wallace out on the court. It's a terribly empty feeling, I need me some 'Sheed. 17-12 Blazers.
2:01 - He might be a pale Swede, but Jonas Jerebko just flattened LaMarcus Aldridge on a fastbreak. Jerebko picked up the foul, and Aldridge got his revenge with a hook shot on the following play. Texas 1, Sweden 0. 21-14 Blazers.
SECOND QUARTER:
10:17 - Martell Webster gets called for a whistle by pushing the slim frame of rookie Austin Daye into the seats. Then, seconds later, he gets his Odenesque second foul of the possession while scrambling for a loose ball. Bench time for Martell. 25-17 Blazers.
8:54 - Daye then "pulls out the chair" on Howard, sending him the court with a traveling call. A rookie should not be able to pull that move on a veteran. Pay respect, kid, Howard invented the chair and the act of sitting. Before him, we all used to either stand or lay down. Nothing else. 25-21 Blazers.
7:32 - With a bearded Paul Allen, recently diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, in the front row, Dante Cunningham declares himself a Mac guy during the timeout entertainment. Oops. Does he know who signs his checks and how he get all that money? 33-25 Blazers.
5:50 - Ken Griffey Jr. and Bill Simmons in the house. I'll take those two over Anthony Kiedis any day. 35-29 Blazers.
1:54 - Brandon Roy just raised his hand in a salute to Griffey Jr. (who is here with his dad, whatever his name is) when he appeared on the screen. Just the site of Roy's rapid hand movement caused Griffey to break his leg, he will now be on the 64-day DL. Like this. 41-36 Blazers.
0:26 - Rudy with a steal from Jerebko and quick cross-court layup. Spain 1, Sweden 0. Tough night for the Swedes. 48-38 Blazers.
THIRD QUARTER:
8:59 - Despite a start that made it look like he'd spend the evening on the pine, Oden has turned in a pretty impressive game so far. Only two of his shots have fallen, but he does have eight rebounds, three blocks, and has caused countless headaches for any Piston player coming near the basket. But now that the fouls have started to add up (two in the past minute), he's back on the bench, where he will most likely stay until the start of the final quarter. 52-46 Blazers.
5:50 - Just when it appeared that eyebrow-less Charlie Villanueva was going to lead Detroit back into the game, Roy takes over, hits a three and everything is well in the shire. 57-46 Blazers.
4:15 - After Blake blows a defensive assignment (ducking in front of a shooting Will Bynum, why???), Andre Miller shows off his veteran smarts by barreling towards the rim and tipping in an Aldridge miss. He then follows with a full court pass to Roy for the dunk. Miller > Blake. Bayless > Blake. Everyone > Blake. 63-46 Blazers.
0:42 - Oh, hello 20 point lead. I didn't see you come in. 68-48 Blazers.
FOURTH QUARTER:
11:00 - There isn't a category that Detroit leads in. Well, other than turnovers, and fouls. But at least their city is better than Portland. The odds of me overturning and torching a cop car are very slim tonight. Damn you, Detroit. 70-50 Blazers.
8:17 - Kwame Brown travels and shoots the ball four rows deep into the seats. It might have been tipped. For his sake, it better have been. 72-56 Blazers.
7:26 - Miller takes a lot of abuse. He's had a couple hobbling sessions during this game, and seems to be favoring one of his knees. With this score, and this Pistons team, I'd like to see a whole lot more Bayless (or Blake) right about now. 72-56 Blazers.
6:22 - Rather than risk injury to the precious flower that is Bayless, Miller is pulled for Blake. Good idea, let him get hurt in garbage time. 76-60 Blazers.
4:23 - After Blake misses a trick reversal layup—he mistook the basket for the Nerf hoop on his bedroom door—the Pistons reel off the baskets. Following a Rudy miss, the score is a little too close for comfort. Did this just happen the other night in Atlanta? 76-68 Blazers.
2:59 - Wouldn't it be funny if Portland lost this game? No? Okay, just checking. 76-70 Blazers.
1:41 - Jerebko fouls out. Sad trombones for the Swede. Well, there goes that comeback. 78-72 Pistons.
1:29 - Or not. Miller misses a pair of free-throws and Villanueva hits a three. 25-8 Pistons run. The lead is down to a single basket. Panic. If they lose this, maybe I will see that burning cop car after all. 78-75 Blazers.
1:05 - Shameful Steve Blake turnover. One point game. Panic. 78-77 Blazers.
0:25 - Less shamefull Steve Blake three pointer. Way to burn down a house and then rescue everyone in it. What a hero. 81-77 Blazers.
0:20 - Miller with a chance to actually make some free throws. First shot: makes it. Second shot: makes it. 83-79 Blazers.
0:10 - Villanueva with a tip-in and the lead is back to a pair. Blake on the line to ruin everyone's night. First shot: makes it. Second shot: makes it. How does he have 17 points tonight? 85-81 Blazers.
0:05 - Oh shit! Villanueva freaks out and shoots a 40+ three-pointer shot with ten seconds on the clock. Um, it missed. What the holy fuck was that? Miller on the line to pad to stats and get that double-double. Makes them both. And that'll do it. Three dominating quarters of basketball and then 12 minutes we shall never speak of again. Your final score, Portland 87, Detroit 81. See you Saturday night.
