Let's say you really like videogames and you really like movies, and the idea of combining the two never fails to get your feathers ruffled. Every time a movie adaptation of a favorite game series comes along your brain immediately blanks out the dozens of times similar films have burnt you in the past and replaces all that sadness and regret with hope that maybe Dwayne Johnson might have been born to play a disembodied, mute, gun-toting set of forearms.
If that describes you, get ready for another irrationally exciting burst of seratonin courtesy the newly released Japanese poster for the upcoming film adaptation of long-running Namco Bandai fighter Tekken.
Maybe the Japanese protagonist's decidedly Caucasoid looks don't have you worried. Good for you. You're a glass-is-half-full-of-LSD kinda person, and I respect your ability to completely ignore reality in favor of playing with your terrifyingly large My Little Ponies collection.
Being a fighter though, Tekken isn't about to let your powers of denial get off quite that easily. The poster's appearance on Twitch brings with it a plot summary that reads like a retelling of the admittedly batshit nutso plot from the last few Tekken games as filtered through the plankton covered teeth of Gary Busey.
Hit the jump for words.
Via Twitch's retelling of the Warner Bros. Japan press release:
Set in 2039, the film promises non-stop high flying action as the greatest fighters from around the world come to compete in the last and greatest sporting event of all time, the Fist Tournament. After World Wars destroy much of civilization as we know it, the remaining territories are no longer run by governments, but by corporations the mightiest of which is Tekken. In order to keep the masses down, Tekken sponsors the Iron Fist Tournament in which fighters compete to the death for ultimate glory and receive a lifetime of stardom and wealth.
We are introduced to this violent world through the eyes of Jin Kazama, a street fighter that enters the tournament in order to avenge the death of his mother that he blames upon Tekken's powerful and controlling Chairman, Heihachi Mishima. He knows that the only way to get close enough to Mishima to kill him is to win the tournament. With the help of Lucas, an ageing Iron Fist Champion and fight trainer, Jin makes his way through the tournament, but in doing so, he begins to uncover his own past and inner demons as well as exposing a dark underbelly to Tekken that threatens the very existence of humanity.
If you can manage to stare at that summary with your head half cocked to the side and your eyes squinted, it almost sounds like the actual plot from the games. Yeah, they botched some names (Fist Tournament? Really?), and there's no mention of boxing kangaroos, jaguar-themed luchadors-turned-priests, or cybernetic space ninjas with economically convenient Pac-Man fixations, but that second paragraph actually sets up a pretty decent way to incorporate the Oedipal history of the Mishima family into the film.
Or, at least it would if I wasn't entirely convinced that Kazuya will appear, turn into a purple Devil, shoot laser eye beams at his kid and/or his father and not a single member of the cast will think to shred his ocular cavities to bits with a handy, nearby broach.
That's the kind of ballsy writing Hollywood just isn't capable of, and as a result, this movie will be one dead Raul Julia away from the original Street Fighter.
Tekken hits theaters in Japan in March 2010, while the American release is theoretically scheduled for November of this year.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!