Transportation secretary Roy LaHood: "Stop driving your recalled Toyotas!" Recalled Toyota drivers: "We'd like to, but weeeee caaaaaan't stoooooop!!"
Obama accuses the GOP of politically-motivated opposition on almost every issue. GOP: "Uhh… duh?"
Iran claims it launched "a rodent, two turtles, and some worms" into orbit. (C'mon guys... stop laughing.)
Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen say the homophobic "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy should be lifted—BUT! They want to do a year long study to gauge what the impact would be. Here, let me do that study for you in three seconds: Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep... things would be better.
The Underoo bomber is talking.
In possibly a related story, CIA chief says to expect an al-Qaida attack on American soil sometime in the next three to six months. Gotcha! I'll start racial profiling right away!
Headline: "Michael Jackson's Dead Giraffes Dug Up, Reburied, When Carcasses Smelled." Click... bzzzzz.... if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again...
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers today, cloudy tomorrow—but get ready to put on your thong... it's gonna be in the mid-50s on Friday!
And finally, an asshole calling an asshole an asshole when asshole Mel Gibson gets fed up with an asshole TV interviewer. ASSHOLE!