I’ve been receiving the local Valentine's dinner press releases since last month, and now I’m chewing them up and spitting them out for you. It’s this year’s Valentine’s Dinner Special Yum Yum Orgy List of Doom and Satisfaction! In no meaningful or particular order.

Kenny and Zuke’s (both locations)

Whereas most places are probably increasing their prices for the holiday, we've decided to be that place people can go if they just want a really tasty meal at a reasonable price without all the fuss. Let them save their pennies for something else—like a present for their loved one.

I’ve never bought anything with pennies. That being said, the delicatessen [1038 SW Stark] will be offering two meals for $20 (usually $13.50 a piece). The deal includes soup or salad, a fuckin’ huge sammy, and a sundae. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a heart full of fat!

At Sandwichworks [2376 NW Thurman] get two “anytime” specials for $10 (usually $7.50 per). Includes a sammy of your choosing, soup, and salad. Go ahead and lick the marinara off your lovers chin! Yeah!

Dutch Bros. (all locations)

Deliver three cans of food to any local Dutch Bros. location and get your drink for $1.

Meriwethers [2601 NW Vaughn, 228-1250]

Special Valentine’s Prix Fix. Four courses for $75. Options include Kusshi oysters and ahi tuna tartar, and Maine Lobster. The press release also mentions that there will be additional specials throughout the weekend but does not mention what they might be. Oooooo, mysterious!

Proper Eats Market and Café [8638 N. Lombard, 445-2007]

Four courses. All Vegan. $30. Bonus: Beverage (alcoholic or not, your choice) is included. There will also be a gluten free menu for that special celiac in your life. I mean, how often do they get to go out and have a special dinner? Hardly ever, right?

Ace Hotel and Clyde Common [403 SW 10th Ave]

Ace Hotel Portland is having a Valentine's Day party. It also happens to be our 3rd birthday. Clyde Common will be giving a sneak preview of their new breakfast menu. You can get your picture taken and make valentines with craft supplies sponsored by Readymade Magazine. And there will be live music too.

$25 will get you the buffet and the crafts. Think Olympic Provisions’ cured meats, smoked fish, eight minute eggs, glitter and glue sticks. You’ll need more scratch if you want to imbibe, which I think you will because nothing is more fun than crafting at breakfast, except crafting at breakfast with a good buzz on. Am I right?

The TeaZone & Camellia Lounge [510 NW 11th, 221-2130]

Valentines Weekend Tea!!! (sorry, I added the exclamation points to try and make it sound more exciting.) There will be two seatings on both Saturday and Sunday. The cost is $18.95 per person, which is waaaay cheap when compared to tea at the Heathman. The menu doesn’t sound half bad and includes delight like “red onion and mascarpone cheese tartlet, mango, berry fresh ginger and lime salad.” Okay, I’ll bite. Reservations required.

Biwa [215 SE 9th, 239-8830]

It doesn’t really sound like Biwa is offering anything really special for Valentine’s Day, but they are accepting reservations for parties of any size. That’s rare.

Wildwood [1221 Northwest 21st, 248-9663]

It’s easy to balk at the $125 per head price tag for the chocolate themed 5 course dinner this Friday, BUT it includes wine pairings, a box of chocolates, and gratuity. Also, all proceeds go to charity. I bet it will be worth it if you can raise the dough.

Pazzo [627 Southwest Washington, 228-1515]

Five course Prix Fix at a more reasonable price of $40 both Saturday and Sunday. They suggest you, “Snuggle up in a deep booth at one of Portland’s most discreet and romantic restaurants.” Discreet you say? How discreet are we talking? Eliot Spitzer discreet or Tiger Woods discreet? Boo-yah!

Nostrana [1401 Southeast Morrison, 234-2427]

Cathy Whims, being the softy that she is, has developed a dinner around an honest to goodness love story that I’ve never heard of involving many many days in Venice, Italy. What’s more important is that she’s offering seven courses for $50.

Dishes include baked oysters alla Tarantino with fennel and olio nuovo, Petrale sole al Fiorentina with white wine and spinach andTortellini in Brodo Villa Gaidello beef, prosciutto di Parma, Mortadella, Parmigiano-Reggiano—a dish inspired by the mythological tale of Tortellini Villa Giadello.

The menu is available Friday through Sunday of Valentine’s Weekend.

Mother’s Bistro & Bar [212 Southwest Stark, 464-1122] and Mama Mia Trattoria [439 Southwest 2nd, 295-6464]

Both Lisa Schroeder’s joints will be places for heartfelt home-cooking deals! Consider the “Persillade-Crusted Rack of Lamb with Roesti Potatoes & Baby Carrots” at Mother’s for $20. Or hit the trattoria for “Butternut Squash & Mascarpone-Filled Ravioli” for $15.95. Special bubbly pours at each location as well.

Country Cat Dinner House [7937 Southeast Stark, 408-1414]

The gorgeous cats had me at “BFK Sundae”: Bailey's ice cream, Frangelico/hazelnut genoise & Kahlua hot fudge. Yikes. Aside from that wonderful dessert they’ll also have a slew of other special dishes, including Maine Lobster. Accepting reservations for parties of all sizes.

Accanto [2838 SE Belmont, 235-4900]

The New Genoa’s little brother will be serving a special all-day happy hour menu including specials like “House-cut tagliatelle with Dungeness crab, fennel, leeks and saffron cream” for $15.

Pix Patisserie [3901 North Williams, 282-6539]

Yes, there are specials, including a Valentine’s tea and yummies on Sunday at the North Williams location for $28. That’s nice. But diamonds are a girls best friend and if you're lucky, the box of assorted chocolates you buy from any Pix location may just happen to include a pair of diamond studs. So, get on it, stud.

Lincoln [3808 N Williams, 288-6200]

Three courses, drinks, and gratuity for $50 is not a bad deal. The courses included options like bruschetta with pork rillettes and hangar steak with blue cheese butter. Also, isn’t it Abraham Lincolns birthday around then too? Hell, you should go there for the sheer synchronicity of the thing!

Teardrop Lounge [1015 Northwest Everett, 45-8109]

You shouldn’t be crying on Valentines Day, and why would you with five courses plus drink pairings for $100? It’s a great looking menu that ends with these two words “mole bitters.” Intrigued?

The Heathman [1001 SW Broadway, 790-7752]

Hey! The Heathman thinks of everything. Like dinner AND a movie. They’ll be screening the romantic/foodie flick Julie and Julia and serving six courses from Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking and all for $75 per person, which is about as much as I pay for tickets and a trip to the snack bar at a corporate cinema. Shit. You’re actually saving money with this one.

There. That should hold you over.