Two days after suicide bombers hit Moscow's subway, another pair of bombers attack Southern Russia killing 12.

Obama opens up large swaths of the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico to offshore drilling. CALL AN EXORCIST! Somehow, Dick Cheney got inside of him!

Seventeen countries have faster internet speeds than America... including ROMANIA?? WTF?!?

Multiple shooters open fire on a crowd in Washington, D.C., killing four.

Insurance companies agree to cover pre-existing conditions for children—BUT THEY DON'T LIKE IT!!

David Mills—who you know as one of the main writers of The Wire—is dead.

The most horrible story you will read today, possibly all week, and maybe even all year. You've been warned.

Today in "Shut the Fuck Up": Sarah Palin predicts a second holocaust!

Sandra Bullock's philandering scumbag of a husband checks himself into a treatment facility... because it seems to have worked for Tiger, right?

OH! And you HAVE to read this story about an alleged foursome Jesse James had with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee and someone named... wait for it... SKITTLES VALENTINE.

And here's a picture of Jesse James wearing a Nazi hat and giving a "seig heil" salute. POOR SANDRA!!

Crackpot Christian militia planned to kill policemen and then bomb their funeral in their ongoing battle against the "Antichrist." Pretty sure that's something Jesus wouldn't do.

The Large Hadron Collider works, you guys! Now we're finally on our way to create a brand new universe (hopefully one that has free cable).

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy today, sunny tomorrow, and a rainy beginning to the weekend.

And finally, a horrible father devastates his young son by telling him he cannot be "a single lady." Hey, we're all a little "single lady" inside, pal!!

UPDATE: You can still see this hilarious video HERE. In your face, DAD.