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Sunday, April 4, 2010

Goode Eaystre Mornynge, Newse!!

Posted by Stefan Kamph on Sun, Apr 4, 2010 at 10:32 AM

Get it? I'm talking like a person from a long time ago. Because today is a very olde holidaye, in which small bunniyes Shalle deliver various and sundrye egges and delights to childrene.

No? Okay, forget it. Yo, happy Passover too to my Aunt Jeanne and Uncle Norman. They, like these holidayes, are also old. But some things are not old. They're new. So we call them: NEWS.

ANGRY HORDES AROUND THE WORLD SWAT EACH OTHER WITH PILLOWS!!! Hey, I have a proposal for re-equipping Portland Police officers. Saves money, too:

The Pope's posse rallies around him after scandals plague Holy Week.

Another car bomb kills at least 30 in Baghdad. There's been a tremendous increase in violence there over the past month.

A Dubai court upholds a one-month prison sentence for a couple caught kissing in a restaurant. Yikes! Hey, does anyone know where Principal Couch went for spring break?

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens says he'll retire during Obama's presidency. Cue annoying partisan posturing.

Look! It's something that Matt Davis might agree with!

Tired of the annoying fuss that results from direct democracy? Good news! Everybody (including ol' Bill "it makes a pinging sound when you bang on it" Sizemore) is too broke to dream up absurd ballot measures this year.

Nerdy Portlanders lined up yesterday to buy lots of iPads because ONE IS NEVER ENOUGH.

Okay, enough of that. Go eat some ham or something. Or matzoh. Which Arabs in Israel find delightful, much to the bewilderment of the Jews, who generally hate the stuff (except when they're the youngest person there and they get to hunt for the hidden piece of matzoh that results in a reward of toys). Shalom!

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