This Week in the Mercury


Monday, April 12, 2010

World Of Warcraft Fans, This 'Uns For You

Posted by Earnest "Nex" Cavalli on Mon, Apr 12, 2010 at 11:34 AM

Like the title says, this post is aimed squarely at the World of Warcraft geeks in the audience — and even more squarely at those who can barely contain the absolutely literal erection they get at the thought of the massively multiplayer online realm's impending Cataclysm expansion.

Those of you who break out in hives at the sight of a Frostsaber should just skip right along to our 'round the clock coverage of Patrick Alan Coleman's gastrosplosively awesome impending death.

Now my geekfolk, gather 'round the link below as I regale ye with a tale the likes of which only vaguely justified that "ye."

As you probably know, I'm all kinds of cuckoo for Blizzard Entertainment's particular brand of cocoa puffs. Since the company is also as queer for me as any company can be for a heterosexual who earns money theoretically criticizing whatever missteps they may have made at some theoretical point in the past (that no one can seem to recall anyway).

As a result of our impending nuptials (and the increasingly creepy tone of this blog entry), I've been informed by the head wizards of Blizzard's (hey that rhymed!) PR department that I will be given access to the game alongside the first ranks of humanity outside of Blizzard's own employees (read: famously geeky yet bafflingly attractive celebrities like Felicia Day, and those members of the gaming press corps wise enough to offer up a fattened child for Blizzard's nefarious, bloody ends).

I Am Become Cataclysm, Destroyer Of Relationships
  • Blizzard Entertainment
  • I Am Become Cataclysm, Destroyer Of Relationships

While the company doesn't yet know when this beta is going to start (they're still busy building the expansion), it seems as if more concrete information should be coming soon.

The best news to come from Blizzard's solemn missive was word that my time in the pre-release version of the game would be free of non-disclosure agreements. Meaning, boys and girls, everything I see, you see. Anything you have ever wanted to know about the Cataclysm expansion is a simple Blogtown, PDX question away.

Here's the deal: From now until the end of the beta (which will most likely coincide with the expansion's release date), I want you guys to use the below comments section to ask me any questions you might have about Cataclysm. If you aren't being a total jackhole or threatening me with a razor knife, I will use my now nearly 6-year-old Night Elf Rogue to sneak, slash and backstab my way to an answer for you.

Of course, since an endless string of questions would otherwise get buried in the unending blog shuffle — doubly so once PAC starts racking up myocardial infarctions like Octomom racks up babies 9 months after a poorly advertised and even more poorly translated Tijuana Rooster Conservation Society Brunch — I will occasionally repost a rundown of the best questions and answers up at the very top of the blog as well.

As a bonus, since I'll be doing all of this from my trusty MacBook Pro, I'll be able to take gorgeously high-resolution images from inside the game, as well as record high-frame rate, high-definition video of all that awesome, gorgeous new Cataclysm content.

So, happy?

Anyone have any suggestions on how I could make this even more rad for the legions of WoW fans out there (short of murdering Patrick Alan Coleman with a replica Frostmourne made of that delicious Boar's Head baby Swiss cheese, crisp, yet fatty bacon, all beef cocktail weenies, lean chicken breasts straight from the George Foreman grill, Kansas City-style BBQ pork ribs, Spanish rice lightly sprinkled with a fresh, mild-bordering-on-medium Verde salsa, experimental Rye crisps smuggled directly from the Gardetto's black ops R&D labs genetically engineered to be more crisp than even Nabisco's division of former SS scientists (known only to select members of your grandfather's generation as "Der Snäckelwaffen") could have previously imagined in their most nefarious Rye-related ruminations, and a half loaf of above average garlic bread from a Northern Italian chain restaurant in a mall near York, Kansas)?

We've probably got a while before I'm given my metaphorical golden tickets for early entry, so I'm all ears on suggestions up until the moment I have to decide on a format.

(Post Script: Yes, I wrote that entirely-too-long description of the PAC murder weapon while imagining the voice of Arthas snarling: "Frostmourne hungers ... for Frostmourne?")

(Post Script the Deux: Like, two of you, at the very most, thought that first "Post Script" was funny. Again, you are my peoples.)

(Post Script #3: My Mario Van Peoples!)

(Number 4: Are any of you still reading this?)

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