This Week in the Mercury

Letting Go Is the Hardest Part


Letting Go Is the Hardest Part

The City's Tired of Running Last Thursday. It's Got a Willing Taker.

Who Represents You?


Who Represents You?

Portlanders Are Trying—Again—to Get Representation on City Council

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Gears Of War 3: Now With 20 Percent More Cooter!

Posted by Earnest "Nex" Cavalli on Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 1:28 AM

After a recent Bieber-infused info leak, last night's official announcement of Gears of War 3 on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon came as a shock to no one.

Unable to comprehend a situation in which he isn't the four-foot-tall center of attention, de facto series spokesman and Epic Games Design Director Cliff Blitzkrieg Blazkowicz Bleszinski opted to garner attention via a method prominent scientists will probably never call "The Lohan."

The method is as effective as it is deviously simple: When faced with any situation that could possibly distract TMZ's Max Hodges from the fleeting moments of your precious news cycle, you point below the belt ...

... and directly at your awesome bajingo!

Thus, unlike the last two Gears of War games, Gears 3 introduces a decidedly more distaff version of the series' generically gritty space marines. So far there is no word on whether the Locust grunts will rock a similarly enlightened suffrage program, but we expect any Lady Locusts to look like a cross between a shaved, naked Kelsey Grammer, and, well, regular Kelsey Grammer.

What I'm trying to say is that Kelsey Grammer is a space monster with a vagina where his penis should be.

And he was great on Cheers. Nice job Kelsey. Real nice job.


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