PORTLAND MAN SENTENCED FOR RUNNING OVER ANOTHER MAN'S ARM!!! "A 29-year-old driver who ran over the arm of a man who was mocking him was sentenced to nearly two years in prison Monday," begins Aimee Green's story.

BEATING OBESITY!!! Atlantic writer Marc Ambinder does the highbrow version of The Biggest Loser:

TEN FOR SUPREME COURT!!! Obama's list surfaces.

CONAN IN EUGENE!!! He opens his US tour.

LEHMAN'S ALTER EGO!!! They dumped all their shitty assets in a firm called "Hudson Castle." Hang on. I bought shares in Hudson Castle. Gadzooks!

JACKIE KENNEDY INTERVIEW TO BE PUBLISHED!!! "I'm rich. I married a womanizer." Etcetera.

TW-ASHING IN!!! Twitter starts selling ads.

LADY GA-GA: CELIBATE!!! So much for taking a ride on your disco stick.

OBAMA BOWS TO CHINA!!! No! No! Noooooo!

STEVEN SEAGAL'S "STRANGE AND SOMETIMES VIOLENT SEXUAL DESIRES!!!" This is a real pleasure of a read.

JESSICA SIMPSON GOES ALL ROSEMARY'S BABY!!! Actually looks pretty hot as a Mia Farrow-alike.

Good day.