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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 14, 2010 at 8:56 AM

Amanda Stout-Smith has plead guilty to pushing her two kids off the Sellwood bridge.

In other kid abuse news: As Sarah reported yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America got the slap down from jurors and will be forced to pay $1.4 million to a man who at one time was molested by an assistant scout master.

In other molestation news: As Dan reported yesterday, in a desperate attempt to take the focus off their child molestation sex scandal, the Catholic Church is crapping all over the gays. But this time? It's not working out so well.

In other bigot news: Possible presidential contender and absolute asshole Mike Huckabee claims that legalizing gay marriage would be like legalizing incest, polygamy, and… drug use? (Hey, Mike! You forgot "murder" and "jaywalking"!)

In other asshole news: Teabaggers hold a protest near the site of the original Boston tea party—except instead of dumping tea in the harbor, they dumped Metamucil.

In other Metamucil news: Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke feels confident that the economic recovery is gonna stick—but don't expect that cushy barista job to fall right into your hands.

Today in natural disasters: Over 400 dead as a rapid series of strong earthquakes rock the shit out of an impoverished region of China.

Also today in natural disasters: A cyclone kills at least 89 (again, impoverished) people in eastern India.

In other "earth" news: EARTH DAY IS COMING, YA'LL! GET READY TO HUG AN EARTH!

In further "earth" news: Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods: Showers go bye-bye, so get ready for a partially sunny week with temps in the mid-to-upper 60s.

And finally, a lady takes her ADORABLE baby kangaroos swimming at the beach. And that dog is like, "What... the... fuck??"

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