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Monday, May 10, 2010

Worst. Night. Ever. / Mercury Worst. Night. Ever. #1

Posted by Ezra Ace Caraeff on Mon, May 10, 2010 at 9:57 AM

WORST.jpeg

Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings there usually is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—that blurts out an event ("MAY 25TH, EROTIC CLOG DANCING IN LINCOLN CITY, $40!") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

First Worst. Night. Ever. contestant... me!

Event #1: The 11th Annual UFO Fest (May 14-15 at Hotel Oregon)
Cons: Boasting "UFO Speakers, costume parade, live music, kids’ fun and more" this annual McMenamins event assembles all the crazy Area 51 nutjobs in one inconvenient location (McMinnville). I sort of hate these people.
Pros: There will be beer. UFO people are losers so, I'll be walking around drunk with an inflated sense of coolness.

Event #2: The Eagles (May 17 at the Rose Garden)
Cons: Old people trying to act young, mediocre music, and hearing a 63-year-old Don Henley sing a 17-minute version of "Hotel California" is a fate I wish upon no man. Plus there is no way this concert is under three hours in length.
Pros: Beer, but it's very overpriced. It's a concert, so it can't be that bad. Right?

Event #3: Pretty in Pieces: PDX Zombie Prom (May 15 at Bossanova)
I vetoed this one. Prom was bad enough the first time around, I'm not dressing like the undead for you people.

Event #4: The 8th Annual Pimps N Ho's Ball (May 15 at Dante's)
Cons: Um, everything. From the KUFO sponsorship to the bands (ugh, Smoochknob), this entire night scares the crap out of me. Plus for some reason I see myself getting jumped by a frat boy in a pimp outfit and getting curbstomped on West Burnside while a bunch of tourists in the Voodoo Doughnuts line watch and take cellphone camera pictures of my death. I don't want my death to be a trending YouTube video.
Pros: Beer, pizza, possible nudity, and dark corners to hide in.

Event #5: Inviting Desire 2010: Pleasure. Permission. Possibility... (currently running at the Headwater Center for Cultural Exchange)
Cons: This "authentic, provocative, uncensored look at female desire" is said to feature all sorts of awkward nudity and graphic sexual content, all within a live theatrical setting. I will be squirming in my seat, but probably not in a good way.
Pros: Nudity. In her review, Alison mentions "sexy boob touching." That is the best kind of boob touching.

Got it? Let's vote! (And be kind. Or don't.)

WHICH EVENT THIS COMING WEEK SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Voting ends at noon tomorrow!

 

Comments (40) RSS

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1
Vote Inviting Desire! I liked the show, but I'm pretty sure it will make Ezra deeply, hilariously uncomfortable, and that is the point of this, right?
Posted by Alison Hallett on May 10, 2010 at 10:07 AM · Report
2
I think he doth protest the Dante's show too much. Don't fall for it! There will be plenty of drinks and girls dressed like hos - how is that a terrible thing, no matter who is playing?
Posted by Reymont on May 10, 2010 at 10:12 AM · Report
3
Yeah, you're not getting away with the Dante's show. I voted UFOs.


AND I LOVE THIS NEW SERIES.
Posted by Commenty Colin on May 10, 2010 at 10:21 AM · Report
4
This is the best idea the Mercury has had in... forever. Send him to Hotel California.
Posted by DLS 3.0 on May 10, 2010 at 10:21 AM · Report
5
I would also suggest that this series (voting on bad stuff) could be the basis of sending jobs to a freelance blog poster person.


A freelance blog poster person named Graham.
Posted by Commenty Colin on May 10, 2010 at 10:24 AM · Report
6
Voted for Dante's, because listening to "Smoochknob" sounds absolutely unbearable.

Also, I encourage you to take the "pimps n' hos" theme all the way by attending in blackface.
Posted by Chunty McHutchence on May 10, 2010 at 10:24 AM · Report
7
The Eagles is hands down the most unamusing selection. No slice-of-life weirdness potential, no exploring new things. Just fucking awful music and people from Lake Oswego. If I went, I would make myself vomit over the edge of the 300 section. I've wanted to see someone do that for a long time.
Posted by kreitler on May 10, 2010 at 10:31 AM · Report
8
Empirically speaking, the worst night has to be either the Eagles or the 8th Annual(??) "Pimps and Hos" Ball. But I can already guess how the Eagles will be. So I'm voting for Pimps. And Hos.
Posted by lew archer on May 10, 2010 at 10:35 AM · Report
9
@CC: DIAF. Don't forget that ICP is playing the Roseland in about three weeks. NEVAR FORGATE!
Posted by Graham on May 10, 2010 at 10:36 AM · Report
10
You had me at "curbstomp."
Posted by Bronch O'Humphrey on May 10, 2010 at 10:39 AM · Report
11
@ Gaham: Just trying to advance your siege tower toward the battlements.

Note: The middle of your shield's crest has a griffin with a mustache.
Posted by Commenty Colin on May 10, 2010 at 10:47 AM · Report
12
Tough call between feminist-empowered porn at a "cultural exchange" center and mouth-breathing loons in McMinnville.

In the end, I took the insider advice and voted for the boobs.
Posted by mars on May 10, 2010 at 11:02 AM · Report
13
Why is Dantes winning??!!
Posted by Reymont on May 10, 2010 at 11:19 AM · Report
14
If Dantes wins, I really think that Smirk should have to be Ezra's +1. Because this sort of situation would make her really uncomfortable as well as creating lulz all around.
Posted by Graham on May 10, 2010 at 11:34 AM · Report
15
Reymont: probably because "Smoochknob" is telling all their friends to vote. Any press is good press...especially when you're a bunch of fat old guys who have to prop up your wretched 90s alterna-punk band on the presence of scantily clad dancer / girlfriend / skanks.

Just a guess.
Posted by Chunty McHutchence on May 10, 2010 at 11:35 AM · Report
16
Don't throw him in the briar patch of Dante's.
Posted by Demondog on May 10, 2010 at 11:42 AM · Report
17
This is "worst night ever", not "most ironic". Jesus.

Dear Smoochknob, abuse him aurally (and orally).
Posted by Alexjon on May 10, 2010 at 11:57 AM · Report
18
Voted along with Alison. But I'm fairly certain Chunty's cracked the reason the Smooch show is enjoying the lead.

The UFO fest is actually kinda fun.
Posted by Fatboy Roberts on May 10, 2010 at 12:30 PM · Report
19
Inviting Desire allows Ezra to slink down into his seat and fade into invisibility. At Dante's, he'll have to be a part of the crowd and will probably be forced into a handful of incredibly awkward/annoying interactions. Have fun!
Posted by no one in particular on May 10, 2010 at 1:20 PM · Report
20
Inviting Desire is making me uncomfortable already BUT Graham's suggestion for a Smirk/Careff double header at the incredibly racist Pimps and Whores thing sounds soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny.
@Chunty: I couldn't agree more
Posted by Abusive on May 10, 2010 at 1:26 PM · Report
21
The "Headwater Center for Cultural Exchange"? Oh dear.

I'll be seeing The Eagles in both Seattle and Portland, but that's because I'll be working. Something tells me that they're one of those bands that won't let stagehands watch the show (like Neil Diamond, like Celine Dion, like Muse)...Which of course is totally briar patch action too: "Oh, uh- really? Gee, if you say so..."
Posted by rich bachelor on May 10, 2010 at 1:56 PM · Report
22
"...mating dance of two Lilith Fair lesbians (the unforgivable phrase "pussy of the earth" is used."

This could very easily be a KUFO-inspired bit for the P and H Ball, don't ya think?

The above dance notwithstanding, events like this touting their inherent eroticism are usually as sexy as a nude beach. Yet, if I'm wrong, the awkward erection potential while sitting in a room full of dykes and womyn is incredibly great (Ezra's attendant piece could be called "Boner Of The Earth.")

The P and H Ball would be terrible but it's probably no different from any night at Barracuda or establishments of the ilk.

Truly though, The Eagles show would be most boring for Ezra but the least boring for all of us.
Posted by TSW on May 10, 2010 at 2:12 PM · Report
23
I promise I will not get an erection at any of these events.

Okay, maybe the Eagles show, but only if Joe Walsh takes off his top.
Posted by ezra on May 10, 2010 at 2:38 PM · Report
24
Wait. How long do you have to stay at Pimps N Ho's party? At least an hour or so, right?

Posted by Alison Hallett on May 10, 2010 at 3:31 PM · Report
25
Boners are not voluntary, Ezra.

You are so afraid of Inviting Desire.
Posted by TSW on May 10, 2010 at 3:45 PM · Report
26
How long is too long, Alison? Add 2 hours to that.
Posted by Alexjon on May 10, 2010 at 3:59 PM · Report
27
Jesus Christ, don't you people want Ezra to suffer? Make him go see the Eagles!
Posted by i heart pie on May 10, 2010 at 4:05 PM · Report
28
@Alexjon Originally I wrote "at least a couple hours, right?" but then I remembered that the ICP show is coming up, and decided against actively courting Ezra's wrath.
Posted by Alison Hallett on May 10, 2010 at 4:05 PM · Report
29
Doors are 9pm. I'll be there from around that time and will stay until the end of the night (or until I am savagely beaten with an ironic pimp cane in the Dante's bathroom stall). Whatever comes first.
Posted by ezra on May 10, 2010 at 4:11 PM · Report
30
Man, I'm abstaining from the votage because I KNOW that when it's my turn I'm going to be forced to go somewhere truly awful. I hereby pledge to only pitch vanilla events for Busy Weeks from here on out.

BTW, Ezra... ME? I'm the one who pitches the weird shit? Not one of these was my idea. I think you meant Smirk. Are you kidding me with all those freaking urban adventure tall bike mohair craft basket weaving zoo-bomber feminist zine foraging clown adventures and shit? PUH-LEASE!
Posted by Patrick A. Coleman on May 10, 2010 at 5:05 PM · Report
31
@Patrick: Didn't you enthusiastically and repeatedly pitch the 10th Annual Masturbate-a-thon? Or am I remembering that wrong?
Posted by Erik Henriksen on May 10, 2010 at 5:15 PM · Report
32
Didn't you pitch the Masturbate-a-thon, Patrick? I mean, in between pitching $80 wine-and-sheep pairing dinners, or whatever?
Posted by Alison Hallett on May 10, 2010 at 5:15 PM · Report
33
JINX ERIK OWES ME A COKE
Posted by Alison Hallett on May 10, 2010 at 5:16 PM · Report
34
Erik? You need to give the lady a rail. Fair's fair.
Posted by rich bachelor on May 10, 2010 at 5:30 PM · Report
35
No. You must have had some sicko fantasy about me while having your own masturbate-a-thon. Gross.

Wait... Why am I being trolled by MY OWN CO-WORKERS?! Gawd!

Posted by Patrick A. Coleman on May 10, 2010 at 5:49 PM · Report
36
They're just jerking you around
Posted by Alexjon on May 10, 2010 at 6:17 PM · Report
37
Uh oh, Eagles canceled.
Posted by simmantics on May 14, 2010 at 5:19 PM · Report
38
all should see Inviting Desire. completely new show this year, not sure why you pointed to a review of last year's show. new cast, new show. go see it! http://dancenakedproductions.com
Posted by AlbertKaufman on May 16, 2010 at 12:29 PM · Report
39
I love local magazines that have nothing but negative things to write. Way to prop up anything. YOU SUCK! Poor sad sad local rag writers.
Posted by killkyourselfalready on May 19, 2010 at 2:13 PM · Report
40
Pics from the "worst night ever"
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?…


THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE MERCURY! YOU ROCK as usual!

BTW: Smoochknob Dates: San Francisco 5.20, San Diego 5.21, L.A. 5.22, Vegas, 5.23, Chicago 5.26, Minneapolis 5.27, New York 5.28

:)
Posted by smooch on May 26, 2010 at 9:19 AM · Report

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