Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("APRIL 13TH, REVERSE COWGIRL CLINIC FOR THE ELDERLY IN ESTACADA, $75!") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.
After Ezra's harrowing experience at the 8th Annual Pimps N Ho's Ball, the mantle of participating in Worst. Night. Ever. has fallen to me. Apparently I did something to piss off my boss. Here we go.
Event #1: Tech N9ne (Mon May 24 at Roseland Theater)
Cons: Not to wh9ne, but the biggest drawback here is Tech N9ne himself, the auteur behind such tracks as "Bitch Sickness," "Psycho Bitch," "Call Girlz," "My Wife, My Bitch, My Girl," "Psycho Bitch II," "Here Comes Tecca Nina," and "Why?" (Indeed.) In addition to performing on his own, Tech N9ne regularly performs at Juggalo Woodstocks.
Pros: There will be beer. Also, I have a fair amount of tolerance for music that other people deem abhorrent, as my surprisingly robust collection of Jimmy Buffett CDs will attest.
Event #2: Reed McClintock's R-Rated Spellbound: The Hypnosis Show (Thurs May 20 at Bossanova)
Cons: Hypnotists are famous the world over for combining the worst aspects of stand-up comedians, magicians, and STDs into an grotesque spectacle masquerading as entertainment. This one is "R-Rated," which I assume means a few naughty words will be sprinkled throughout the usual parade of stupefying parlor tricks.
Pros: Maybe afterward, I can get the hypnotist to erase my memory of the evening, Eternal Sunshine-style.
Event #3: Deadly Dancing: A Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre (Fri May 22 at Milwaukie Center)
Cons: An "annual interactive murder mystery dinner theatre!" in beautiful Milwaukie, Oregon, featuring "Ballroom Dancers!", "Intrigue!", and "A Murder!" Unless I'm personally allowed to murder at least one ballroom dancer, I do not see any possible way that this evening could be anything other than interminably hellish.
Pros: Hey, they spelled "theater" with an "re" instead of an "er"! That must mean this is a pretty classy production!
Event #4: Speed Dating for Professionals with a College Degree (Tues May 25 at McFadden's)
I vetoed this one. Despite the fact that (A) I have a college degree (I majored in creative writing, motherfuckers!) and (B) McFadden's is pretty close to my house (meaning I could numb myself with scotch and drunkenly stumble to and from the event with relative ease), speed dating bundles every single one of my social anxieties into one convenient package. A convenient package I will do anything to avoid.
Event #5: Cuda Cabaret Burlesque Show (Fri May 21 at Barracuda)
Cons: Despite the fact that it's advertised as "one of Portland's most revered burlesque revues," which I assume is intended to be a compliment in some circles, I'm relatively sure this evening would feature little "burlesque watching" and a lot of "the shit getting beaten out of me by popped-collar bridge-and-tunnelers."
Pros: Close proximity to Magic Gardens, where actual stripping will be taking place.
Got it? Let's vote! (And may god have mercy on my soul.) Voting ends at 2 pm on Wednesday, May 19.
WHICH EVENT THIS COMING WEEK SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?
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