Mmmm yes, back in 2004 everyone loved li'l spitfire Jerry Masterson (who's gotten a little long in the tooth these days), but what about his less-popular replacement, Cornelius Van Shack Armentrout? He was a precocious young lad, with an appetite for the finer things in life (like brioche aux sucre and fish sticks). Cornelius was selected to replace Jerry, who'd had a bit of a run-in with a senior citizen wherein her lady place was disparaged. The following is Cornelius' second column for the Mercury, which ran in the April 15, 2004 issue.

Personally, I have a soft spot for the little prig. It's too bad about him losing his mellifluous speaking voice in that unfortunate Easter Peeps incident, detailed in his third and final column in the paper (read it after the jump).

The Mercury: never one to pass up a lisping joke.