It was primary night for many states around the country, and as usual the national media is scrambling to declare it a huge win for the right… I mean, the left! I mean… the centrists! The teabaggers? (But if you're curious, this race was the real shocker.)

BP has 72 hours to provide the Feds with a contingency plan for scooping up the oil from the Gulf. And they also should have a contingency plan if they are not able to supply the contingency plan.

But guys, don't worry. Obama is finally getting really mad about this gulf oil situation. No, really. Look at him. He's getting mad.

It's been five days since 7-year-old Portland resident Kyron Horman has gone missing, and police still aren't referring to it as a criminal investigation. The boy's family is expected to hold a press conference today.

Al and Tipper Gore's daughter is getting separated from her husband, too (like rats fleeing a sinking ship).

Everybody relax, guys! James Avery (AKA Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) is NOT dead. REPEAT: NOT DEAD.

The judge in Lindsay Lohan's case has doubled her bail to $200,000 after receiving some sketchy results from her alcohol monitoring bracelet. Your honor, Lindsay wasn't drinking that tumbler of vodka, she was merely soaking in it.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showery today and tomorrow with a HOT SUNNY WEEKEND ahead!

And finally, here is the only high school in the world really worth attending: BANANA MANGO HIGH SCHOOL!! (Mmm… and I just love those uniforms.)