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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Good Morning, News!!

Posted by Stefan Kamph on Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 9:18 AM

BP is doing everything it can to limit negative press coverage as its stocks tumble and lawmakers call on the company to stop paying dividends. We, as a "media outlet," need to fight back... so now I will libel BP on our highly-trafficked blog.

BP KILLS BABIES. BP CAUSED GLOBAL WARMING. BP WANTS THERE TO NOT BE A CURE FOR AIDS. BP MADE YOUR DINNER MEAT ROTTEN. BP CUT DOWN SIXTEEN BILLION TREES IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST. BP HAS A PANDA DARTBOARD MADE OF A REAL PANDA. BP CEO TONY HAYWARD IS A PAEDO. BP GAS WILL MAKE YOUR CAR GO SLOWLY. (End libel)

Not to mention the real stuff, like this:

And BP denies that it's been ordering workers to keep silent. NEXT TOPIC!

Da Chicago Blackhawks won da Stanley Cup!!! And fans respond by trying to flip over a Paddy wagon. Friends of mine on the South Side reported fireworks, gunshots and bomb blasts... which actually is like any evening in June, but this time there was a good reason!

Awkward segue... the New York Times reports that the Taliban is planning targeted assassinations of officials.

South Korea tries again to put a satellite into space. The rocket explodes moments after takeoff.

Obama says he will give a $400 million aid package to Palestinians. That should go a long way toward counteracting the $3 billion we give to Israel every year, right?

Late to the South Waterfront party: I feel like I have seen this Oregonian article somewhere before. (I kid, it's nice to see more coverage of this issue.)

The Tri-Met Barber gets a sentence.

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