The Crazy Lady in the House with No Light Is Great, Though!
BP is doing everything it can to limit negative press coverage as its stocks tumble and lawmakers call on the company to stop paying dividends. We, as a "media outlet," need to fight back... so now I will libel BP on our highly-trafficked blog.
BP KILLS BABIES. BP CAUSED GLOBAL WARMING. BP WANTS THERE TO NOT BE A CURE FOR AIDS. BP MADE YOUR DINNER MEAT ROTTEN. BP CUT DOWN SIXTEEN BILLION TREES IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST. BP HAS A PANDA DARTBOARD MADE OF A REAL PANDA. BP CEO TONY HAYWARD IS A PAEDO. BP GAS WILL MAKE YOUR CAR GO SLOWLY. (End libel)
Not to mention the real stuff, like this:
And BP denies that it's been ordering workers to keep silent. NEXT TOPIC!
Da Chicago Blackhawks won da Stanley Cup!!! And fans respond by trying to flip over a Paddy wagon. Friends of mine on the South Side reported fireworks, gunshots and bomb blasts... which actually is like any evening in June, but this time there was a good reason!
Awkward segue... the New York Times reports that the Taliban is planning targeted assassinations of officials.
South Korea tries again to put a satellite into space. The rocket explodes moments after takeoff.
Obama says he will give a $400 million aid package to Palestinians. That should go a long way toward counteracting the $3 billion we give to Israel every year, right?
The Tri-Met Barber gets a sentence.