BP is doing everything it can to limit negative press coverage as its stocks tumble and lawmakers call on the company to stop paying dividends. We, as a "media outlet," need to fight back... so now I will libel BP on our highly-trafficked blog.
BP KILLS BABIES. BP CAUSED GLOBAL WARMING. BP WANTS THERE TO NOT BE A CURE FOR AIDS. BP MADE YOUR DINNER MEAT ROTTEN. BP CUT DOWN SIXTEEN BILLION TREES IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST. BP HAS A PANDA DARTBOARD MADE OF A REAL PANDA. BP CEO TONY HAYWARD IS A PAEDO. BP GAS WILL MAKE YOUR CAR GO SLOWLY. (End libel)
Not to mention the real stuff, like this:
And BP denies that it's been ordering workers to keep silent. NEXT TOPIC!
Da Chicago Blackhawks won da Stanley Cup!!! And fans respond by trying to flip over a Paddy wagon. Friends of mine on the South Side reported fireworks, gunshots and bomb blasts... which actually is like any evening in June, but this time there was a good reason!
Awkward segue... the New York Times reports that the Taliban is planning targeted assassinations of officials.
South Korea tries again to put a satellite into space. The rocket explodes moments after takeoff.
Obama says he will give a $400 million aid package to Palestinians. That should go a long way toward counteracting the $3 billion we give to Israel every year, right?
The Tri-Met Barber gets a sentence.