Every week, a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.
Here's the bad news: Patrick totally fucked up his Worst. Night. Ever. Even though he's the inspiration for this entire column, the Craigslist "Punch Party for Guys" never sent him the details and the Exploration of Self Playshop was canceled.
Good news: Usually staffers veto one of the choices, but I'm skipping my veto because I'm pretty cocky about my ability to enjoy terrible events, seasoned by city council meetings to endure hours of social pain and boredom. So here are my options.
Erosfest Sol Sensual Celebration (Thurs, 7/1, Ambridge Events Center)
CONS: The performers for this group that celebrates "the source of life and the feel of the rising sun within you" includes "Jasmine Rain, Body Paint Girl, The Monkey Puzzle Players and More!!!!!!!" and it doesn't say what they perform, so I assume they're either taking off their clothes or doing tribal drumming.
PROS: It says there will be snacks. I love snacks.
$2 Vancouver Christian Hip Hop Show (Thurs, 7/1, The Grange Hall, Vancouver)
CONS: Performers include groups named "Jerm" "Oracle & Kevlar" "Grravigty" ... I would feel bad making fun of people with obvious mental illness. Plus, everyone will be sober and probably trying to get me to join their youth group.
PROS: I'm actually curious about how the hell this exists. I think I'd take a clipboard and interview people.
Flawless Bang'n' 4th of July Party (Sunday, 7/4, Club 915)
CONS: Have you seen the flyer for this event? The girl on it has giant boobs and no one can spell. This is going to be like the time I auditioned for the Bad Girls reality TV show for fun and then it wasn't funny at all and just made me think about alcoholism.
PROS: People will be wasted and having hilarious fights.
Stripperoke (Sunday, 7/4, Devil's Point)
CONS: Patrick pitched this because he knows I am made seriously uncomfortable by two Portland standbys—strip clubs and karaoke. You know what I don't need in my life? Being forced to sing Love Shack while there are ass cheeks in my face.
PROS: Maybe I'll meet some cute lapsed Christian hip hoppers.
18+ Foam Party (Wed, 6/30, FX Dance Club)
CONS: I watched a video of this party online and everyone's wearing white tank tops and grinding on each other. There are definitely going to be guys touching my ass. And their hands will reek of Axe body spray. There's also a bikini contest?
PROS: It's possible I could just seek refuge from the foam at the bar's high stools. Wait. Is there a bar in this place?
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!