Alberta Rose Theatre—3 Leg Torso, 8 pm, $15-25, all ages
Ash Street Saloon—The Lordy Lords, Hairspray Blues, Primitive Idols, Boo Frog, 9:30 pm, $5
Backspace—Boom, White Fang, Cafeteria Dance Fever, 9 pm, $5
Bagdad Theater—Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls Showcase, 6 pm, all ages
Centaur Guitar—PDX Punk Rock Collective, Pure Country Gold, The Hickmans, The Food, Bad at Best, 2 pm, free, all ages
Doug Fir—Super Sonic Soul Pimps, The Tezeta Band, Surealized, 9 pm, $10-12
Hawthorne Bridge—PDX Bridge Fest: MarchFourth Marching Band, Solovox, DJ Globalruckus, Mobile Groove Bomb, 9-11 pm, free, all ages; PDX Bridge Fest Afterparty: Wanderlust Circus, Vokab Kompany, Side Car Tommy, Sweet Snacks, ManHandel, 11 pm-3 am, $10, all ages
Holocene—Choose Your Own Adventure: DJ Introcut, Claude Balzac, DJ Same DNA, Colin Jones, DJ Freaky Outy, Coco B, Buck Faustin, 9 pm, $5
Mississippi Studios—Federale, Chief Nowhere, Willy Vlautin, 9 pm, $8
Mt. Tabor Theater—Nappy Roots, Hives Inquiry Squad, Serge Severe, Basic Shapes, 9 pm, $12-15
Rotture—PDX Pop Now!: Hockey, The Joggers, Hosannas, Blue Cranes, Defect Defect, Eternal Tapestry, Wampire, Darel Junior, ASSS, Brainstorm, Operative, Fear No Music, Grey Anne, O Bruxo, The Tumblers, Guantanamo Baywatch, Soup Purse, Tiny Knives, Shoeshine Blue, noon-1 am, free, all ages
SE Water & Taylor—PDX Bridge Fest: MarchFourth Marching Band, Sneakin' Out, Chervona, NIAYH, Philly's Phunkestra, Dusu Mali Band, Trio Subtonic, Reggie Houston, Nuestro, Medicine for the People, Manimalhouse, Buoy La Rue, Reva Devito, Boka Marimba, Venerable Showers of Beauty Gamelan, 4-9 pm, donation, all ages
Dante's—Best Kissers in the World, Massy Ferguson, Lewi Longmire Band, 9:30 pm, $8
Sunday barn burners after the jump.
After almost five months off, Tommy Wiseau has rediscovered his Twitter account.
It's Friday evening and work is over. Why not spend a little more time in this wading pool filled with cool, refreshing cultural afterbirth?
Fellow freelancer Andrew R Tonry emailed me today to express a similar passion for Jersey Shore and its train-wreck awesomeness. He also passed on this New York Times article profiling train-wreck conductor Snooki featuring quotable gems to beat out that controversial M.I.A. profile:
But trying to hold a conversation with Snooki is a little like getting down on your hands and knees with a child. You have to come down to her level, and sometimes you almost think you need to bribe her with a piece of candy to coax her to be more responsive. She is really only responsive to her own immediate needs and desires. She is not self-centered, but she is used to acting out and getting away with it.
This still doesn’t address Snooki’s strange appeal. And part of the problem is that she can’t explain it herself. She simply isn’t capable of serious introspection. She told me she has read only two books in her life, “Twilight” and “Dear John.” When we were in the kitchen at her dad’s house, I asked Snooki if she were inspired by any movie actresses. (I have this funny theory that she’s a little like Elizabeth Taylor, but more about that in a moment.)
“Movies?” she said thickly. “I really liked Brittany Murphy. Yeah. I looked up to her. She had a dorky personality, like me. It was sad that she died.”
Tonry also put this question to me: "What exactly does hooking up entail? What I mean is, how often is actual sex involved? Like, i got the impression that Pauly D and Angelina boned when he described it, but you thought the contrary. Anyway, something we should both try and figure out."
I'll put that to you, Blogtown. I'm pretty sure that any base reached by the Jersey Shore cast - whether it's first or home plate - registers to them on the same hollow level where everything blurs together. When you have one eye constantly out the door for the next incredible gorilla juicehead (in the girls' case) or the next vagina with a pulse (in the guys') then I think hooking up just means whatever the other person lets you do. What do you guys think? How do you take it when someone like DJ Pauly D says they hooked up with somebody (assuming you take it at all)?
So. Um. Yeah. I carelessly predicted a Timbers win on Wednesday night vs. troubled St. Louis only to find out that AC St. Louis's's's's Mike Ambersley would drop a hat trick on Portland and we'd fall apart 3-0.
So I'm not going to to say anything one way or the other about how the Timbers take on Tampa Bay Rowdies tomorrow night in Florida at 4:30 p.m. PST other than yes, there is a game to be played and, yes, it is between the Timbers of Portland and Rowdies of Tampa Bay. Internets & radio.
(But the Timbers better win.)
Also this past Wednesday night, the Timbers lost the Expansion Coin Flip against the Vancouver Whitecaps to determine who first gets to choose in the 2011 SuperDraft (the college amateur pool) or the Expansion Draft (the MLS unprotected player pool). I shall not bemoan losing to fate in this column as I think either draft—as drafts go—is a crapshoot. There's good players to be found in both areas and I predict the Timbers real impact will be made in signing a free agent/designated player. But that's just me.
As for who will be coaching these new-look MLS boys in Green and White, everybody believes it to be John Spencer but the official word from the Timbers front office at the moment is that they will be making an announcement on who the head coach will be in early to mid-August. Want another prediction? Yes? OKAY: The Timbers will be coached by this guy.
Catfish was one of the surprise breakout films of Sundance, and apparently the last 40 minutes of the flick is so shocking and awesome, people get really upset if you give any of it away. So... lips sealed, but I will say its been called "The Blair Witch Project meets Facebook." So make of that what you will. Check out the trailer and see if it's your bag. I'm definitely there.
Man. Kind of an underwhelming week for film.
DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS It's problematic when the best you can say about something is, "Well, it's better than Grown Ups, I guess."
COUNTDOWN TO ZERO An agit-doc aiming to get you all riled up about how we're all going to die in a nuclear holocaust. Good times, good times.
SOUTH OF THE BORDER Hey, did you hear that joke about Oliver Stone? It's the one where just saying "Oliver Stone" is the punchline.
There's also ¡THREE AMIGOS! for free at dusk at Pioneer Courthouse Square tonight, THE BICYCLE THIEF at the Clinton Street, ANTONIO GAUDÍ at the Fifth Ave, CATS & DOGS: THE REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE at places with screaming children, CHARLIE ST. CLOUD at places with lonely teen girls swooning over Zac Efron, BLUE VELVET at the Film Center, and WIPEOUT at the Hollywood. More, as ever, can be found in our Film Shorts and Movie Times.
Things get better next week, with the promising-looking WINNEBAGO MAN at Cinema 21, and things get even better the week after that, with SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD, which is absolutely phenomenal. Until then, though, you'll have to largely make do with Oliver Stone and Netflix. Sorry dudes.
Doug Fir—Phosphorescent, J. Tillman, Grouplove, 9 pm, $12-14
Hawthorne Theatre—PDX Unplugged Summer Fest: Gray Matters, Greenlander, HEMA, The Routine, The Bright Midnight, North Head, Christian Burghardt, Painted Grey, Monkeyhawk, Denali, Demon Squirrel, Blue in the Face, Fievel Goes Home, 5 pm, free
The Knife Shop at Kelly's Olympian—Coco Cobra & The Killers, Don't, Advisory, 10 pm, $5
LaurelThirst Public House—The Quick & Easy Boys, 6 pm, free; Celilo, What Hearts, The Lords Own Choir, 9:30 pm
Rotture—PDX Pop Now!: Au, Dovekin, Tu Fawning, Jackie-O Motherfucker, Witch Mountain, And And And, Rollerball, AgesAndAges, Kusikia, Ylang Ylang, Blue Horns, 6 pm, free, all ages
Sellwood Pool—Teen Swim: Arion B, Ozone, Khaki Mustafa, Sole Pro, Diezel P, 8:55 pm, free, all ages
The Woods—The Stolen Sweets, Luke Winslow, Sleepy Bell, 9 pm, $10-12
(The World Famous) Kenton Club—Thee Headliners, Pure Country Gold, The Bugs, 9 pm, free
Remember this news? You know, that Al Gore allegedly sexually harassed a massage therapist in his hotel room, and the Portland Police Bureau was re-opening the case? Yeah, well, not gonna happen. Today the PPB and the district attorney's office released a statement explaining why they're not going to prosecute:
Deficiencies in the case:
1. Ms. Hagerty, who has red hair, states she called Mr. Gore immediately following the alleged incident and told him to “dream of redheaded women” seemingly in contradiction to her assertions that she was terrified of Mr. Gore. Two days after the alleged incident Ms. Hagerty also sent an email to the Hotel Lucia stating that she appreciated the business referrals she received from the hotel. She did not mention any problem with Mr. Gore;
2. Witnesses at the hotel where the alleged incident occurred state they do not remember seeing or hearing anything unusual—directly contradicting Ms. Hagerty’s published claim in the July 12, 2010 of the National Enquirer that she was “shaking and in shock” and “rushed down the hall and to the lobby where the front desk clerk noticed she was upset was asked if she was OK”;
3. Forensic testing of pants retained by Ms. Hagerty as possible evidence are negative for the presence of seminal fluid;
4. Ms. Hagerty has not provided as repeatedly requested medical records she claims are related to the case;
5. Ms. Hagerty has also failed to provide other records related to the case;
6. Ms. Hagerty failed a polygraph examination;
7. It appears Ms. Hagerty was paid by the National Enquirer for her story; and
8. Mr. Gore voluntarily met with detectives and denied all of the allegations.
Well then. So, who thinks this case is dead? Are the editors at the Tribune dancing around the office in self-congratulation for not publishing the original story? We may never know.
"Haruki Murakami once said...."
Does self-recognition make you want to buy a Jazz? Anyone?
I've been reading your column for years. Until recently, I never really thought I would ever need to specifically ask for your advice, since I liked to think I'd absorbed enough "Savage Love" to have a decent intuition on how to run my sex life. But here I am.
I'm a 27-year-old single gay woman. I spent the last two weeks doing a backcountry hike with a guy I had met a few months ago. He was doing it for work (freelance travel writer), and since he didn't set off my
sketch-alarm, and as I'm not employed at the moment, I thought it'd be a fun adventure so I said yes when he asked if I wanted to come. Since I had known him for such a short period, I asked around our mutual larger social circles to see if it was a blatantly stupid idea. Everyone thought it was a fine plan.
And it was fantastic. The hiking was amazing, I loved the wilderness, we wound up having lots of heart-to-heart conversations.... you see where this is going, right?
I have issues with personal space, especially with men, and I was really proud of myself when I got to the point of not flipping out whenever our elbows scraped against each other. I was also happy when the thought of sharing one small tent stopped setting off small panic attacks. And then sharing one small air mattress. Because normal people can do that, right? Apparently not, because sharing an air mattress led to cuddling, which led to making out, which led to cunnilingus, which led to screaming orgasms.
Keeping your philosophy in mind, I was as honest as I could bear to be. I was open about my past experiences with men (more than 5 years ago) and that they all ended uncomfortably at best and severely
traumatic at worst. I made it clear that while I very much enjoyed making out, there are some (okay, lots of) things I just can't do with him. He was okay with all of that! In fact, our various sexual quirks seemed to make us a good match. He is, without a doubt, the most tender, giving and least demanding sexual partner I've had. By the end of the trip, it was getting increasingly clear that he had fallen for me pretty hard, and I was also less sure of my own feelings.
I guess this all boils down to two questions. One, how bi am I? I'm really not particularly aroused by his body, not that there's anything wrong with it, as much as I'm aroused by naked ladies. But the way he touches me, I end up coming like a banshee. Two, what's the ethical thing to do at this point? He's very much infatuated, which honestly is very flattering. I think he's a really cool guy, and I want to be friends with him. But is that motivated simply by my desire to keep having fantastic orgasms?
Help me, Dan Savage, you're my only hope. I can't talk to my friends about this. They're all lesbians and they'll give me shit about going straight.
Do I Really Need An Acronym?
My response after the jump...
One would assume the biggest hazards faced at a Gallagher performance are getting a projectile melon seed to the eye, or perhaps hearing the aging prop comic get all creepy and right wing. But now a Hillsboro woman found out the hard way that Gallagher shows can be a downright dangerous place to be.
Remnants of creamed corn, honey, fruit, creamed marshmallows and sauerkraut, among other food items, were strewn about the stage area when the woman tried to reach it, she said.
Oh, oh, did she make it?
"She was determined to get up there, and she didn't make it," said Perkins-Hagele, who was at the show.
The woman, who Perkins-Hagele said appeared to be an excited fan, advanced toward the DeMar Batchelor Amphitheater stage despite several warnings from the comedian not to do so. She fell near the stage toward the end of the show, Perkins-Hagele said.
Wait, who the hell storms the stage for Gallagher? Since when did the melon man become Morrissey?
After awarding her a Darwin Award, paramedics took the wounded fan to the hospital but her injuries don't appear to be too serious. Just a warning, if you think his shows are dangerous, don't you dare see Metallagher in concert.
Thanks to Scott Moore, Gallagher superfan #1, for the tip.
"I love funny writing, but I’m sick of snark, and the site will not be snarky," Mr. Catucci wrote in an email to the Media Mob. "All that said, rollingstone.com has tremendous potential, and new ideas for shaping the coverage come to me constantly."
He doesn't have any ideas, does he? People who heartily insist they have tons of new ideas rarely if ever have any new ideas. BUT NO SNARK, GUYS! At least there won't be none of that stuff. Such a bold, original editorial stance. AND NO HIPSTERS, EITHER! I hate those guys, don't you? Especially snarky hipsters, and... omigod. I can't stop. I can't stop with the snark! OH NO, NOW I'LL NEVER GET A JOB WITH ROLLINGSTONE.COM!!!
Seriously. Help me. I can't stop.
But you know what? I’m still committed to Oregon beer. I really am. It’s a lifelong commitment too—not just a seamy month of yeasty passion. Maybe I shouldn't count myself out just yet. I mean, I’d gotten up to 11 beers in the 31 Beer Challenge by the time I lost my way. I do have two days left in July. Of course that would mean drinking 20 beers in the next 36 hours. Possible? Certainly. Will I actually try it? Ask me later tonight.
But I know you’ve done better. Tell me, folks. What were your Oregon Beer Month favorites?
Thanks to the PBR fairy, I am now the proud owner of this excellent wiffle ball set. Notice the slight textured wood grain on the red bat and the non-regulation multi-hole ball (the Wiffle brand eight hole ball doesn't curve enough for my taste). I think we need to have a Mercury staff vs. Blogtown readers game sometime this summer. Bring it on, trolls.
ALso, Boom! and White Fang play the release show tomorrow w/Cafeteria Dance Fever; Sat July 31 at Backspace, 115 NW 5th, 9 pm, $5, all ages.
End Hits: Staring at pictures of penises for much longer than necessary.
I have a strange love for style guides, comparable to my love of office supplies or cookware. The Elements of Style, Sin and Syntax, these are essential texts for anyone who writes an article, a story, a letter, but not necessarily a blog post. So now the editors of Yahoo!, led by Chris Barr, have compiled a style guide specifically designed for the digital era.
The Yahoo! Style Guide is not just a writing and grammar book. In fact, only about half of it deals with the actual mechanics of language. The rest is a bizarre hybrid business marketing/computer programming how-to manual, written directly and easily enough that anyone who can read should be able to understand it. Some sections are very practical, such as "Identify Your Audience" or "Get Familiar With Basic Webpage Coding." Some are dull and obvious; a hundred pages are dedicated to consistent punctuation, capitalization, abbreviation, and numbering, all written with Hemingway-like austerity. Others are outlandish and abstract, like "Be Inclusive, Write For The World," which includes the suspect advice to eliminate bias (as if that will lead to success on the internet) and make your speech gender neutral, as if we're all writing from pods in our sexless, mechanized future.
Still, from a freelancer's standpoint, this is a very useful book. It combines elements of lots of more expensive and specific programming books into one well-indexed volume. And though it's not the first of its kind, it is very timely.
Against all odds, I'm going to go ahead and say that so far I like the new 90-minute format of Project Runway. The first thing I noticed were extended screen times for the prize sponsors—meh, but hopefully they won't need to repeat that every episode. Afterward, the extra time seemed spread pretty evenly. A chattier intro for all the designers, a little more time spent on Tim's critiques, a little more time spent in hair and makeup, a little more sweating, a little more judging. They're also really taking the gloves off and straight-up psychologically torturing the contestants. These poor people have no idea what to expect. Literally before they'd even gotten to set their bags down in their Lifetime-provided NYC digs, Heidi and Tim appeared to dole out the first lashing of the season. They had everyone reach into their own luggage and pull out one item of clothing that they would want to incorporate into a project. Then they had to pass it to the person to their right, and that's their item. Now, why Casanova would choose to select his brand new Dolce & Gabbana pants that he'd never worn and which he went to great pains to announce cost, like, $1,070, is beyond me. Later the judges entertained the idea that he is either deaf or doesn't understand English very well—originally from Puerto Rico, Nina Garcia translated for him at one point during the judging, though frankly he still didn't seem to understand the question very well. No matter: Casanova is in the running for most colorful character amongst the contestants. Anyhow, so with their neighbor's garments, the designers
stopped home to unpack and freshen up went straight to the sewing tables to create their first challenge in only five hours' time. And how did hometown girl Gretchen Jones do? Hit the break for that kind of talk or you'll scare the Spoily McSpoilerson police. In the meantime, check out the extend-o version of her workroom conference with Tim:
So Gretchen that she has very specific ideas and a clear picture of what she wants. Ditto on a shot in makeup of her earnestly describing the natural fresh look she wanted. It can't hurt that she's been on both sides of the runway through her modeling background. Anyhow, more on Gretchen over on the other side.
The Portland city council has decided to continue an inquiry into developing West Hayden Island into a new 300-acre auto-import facility for the Port of Portland. Last night the council chambers, the upper balcony, and an overflow room with a TV monitor were packed with people supporting and opposing the development of the now-untouched land.
After hearing testimony from a reported 93 people, the council voted 4-0 (with Randy Leonard absent) to continue on the path to development, which will involve land-use and environmental impact studies. All the commissioners appeared to have made up their minds on the vote beforehand, and read from prepared statements before voting. Commissioners Nick Fish and Amanda Fritz (who supplemented her statement with responses to citizen comments) emphasized that the decision isn't binding. "Nothing in this resolution constitutes a final decision," said Fritz.
Dan Saltzman was the nit-picker of the night, to substantial praise: he introduced an amendment to clarify that the development would be a "deepwater" terminal, and said it was important to limit development to 300 acres and avoid land-use creep. An advisory board convened by Mayor Adams, which recommended development,
suggests setting aside 300 acres for the port and 500 acres as open space. did not reach a consensus on whether mixed development and preservation was possible. Adams then brought forward the 300-acre development limit for council consideration.
The crowd was pretty much equally split between longshoremen and wildlife lovers. Our reporter Amanda Waldroupe was on the scene, taking about 3,458 pages of handwritten notes about the four-hour meeting. We'll have her story next week. A bunch of us were also bantering about the proceedings on Twitter.
...is that you can't understand a goddamn word they say! Take this toddler preacher, for example, who took the mike from his pastor father to lecture the church on how Jesus Christ bled to death for their sins, but didn't make a lick of sense because, duh, he's a toddler. (Not that Christianity makes sense anyway... but you get my point.) Happily for all followers of THE WORD, someone has taken this video and put subtitles on it, so now we can all experience the holy wisdom this toddler is dishing out.
Waitasecond... who's gay? What's "stirring ice cream"? "Ostrich?" WHAT??
POP—It's the most wonderful time of year: time for PDX Pop Now!, the all-ages, all-local, all-free, all-weekend-long music festival, taking place inside and outside Rotture on two stages. Don't miss one second of the 48 great local bands, from all styles of music imaginable. NL
Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, Fri-Sun, FREE, all ages, pdxpopnow.org
FLIPPER FEST—In case you haven't heard, PORTLAND REALLY LOVES PINBALL. Limber up those flipper fingers, and enter Portland's premier pinball tournament, Showdown at Slabtown 2! Qualifying rounds on classic and new machines will be held Friday and Saturday with the nail-biting finals starting on Sunday! WSH
Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th, Fri 3 pm-midnight, Sat noon-midnight, finals Sun noon, see crazyflipperfingers.com for entry information
Just in case you don't plan to spend your entire weekend at PDX Pop Now!, we've got a few more ideas at My, What a Busy Week!
To my mind Jersey Shore is the ultimate culmination of the Real World style of reality television. Its characters (yeah, they're characters) completely embrace and thrive on the artificiality of the medium, drawing energy from it. There is no need for the producers and editors to manufacture drama because these juiced-up, super-tan twenty- and thirty-somethings do the work for them and strut while they do so.
The popularity of the show baffles a lot of people but I, for one, am totally fascinated by and taken in by the charismatic shamelessness of the Jersey Shore "guidos" and "guidettes." They treat the cameras around them like an tiger born in captivity would treat a human. Of course they're being filmed all day - they're awesome! The fact that people want to watch them creepin' at clubs and bathing in bronzer is not a pleasant surprise but a given.
It's with that mindset that I want to dive into the first episode of the second season of Jersey Shore. Won't you join me?
Does it take three years to answer the questions in the Chasse case? Probably not, but the investigation was never going to be quick enough or provide the answer that many wanted—that Chasse was killed by excessive force—rather than the truth which was that the officers acted appropriately and that Chasse’s death was a tragic occurrence.
Since the night of the incident, many officers’ lives have been a living hell. They have been run through a gauntlet of accusations by the Chasse family and the media and never deserved this kind of treatment.
These are outstanding police officers with families of their own and they represent the integrity, compassion, accountability, respect and excellence expected of every member of the Bureau.
That was written in the October 2009 Rap Sheet by Sgt. Pete Simpson—who's about to become the police bureau's media spokesperson. Pete, if you're reading this, I'll be in touch. You'll still talk to me, right? Right? Hello?
His name is Johnathan Wolcott, he was born in New Haven, Connecticut on March 17, 1933, his wife Edith died 11 years ago in 1998, and he has his own tumblr account which he obviously has no earthly idea how to use, and thank god for that, because it's hilarious. Examples:
So my best friend who is 21 has been dating her 31 year old boyfriend for over a year. The problem? They have not had sex yet! Now, she certainly wants to, however he has some health issues and has some problems gaining and keeping an erection. Not only does he have diabetes that he does nothing to keep in check, he is also on methadone which is said to cause lower libido. They have looked into pharmaceutical fixes but they are too costly. Any advice on what they can do so they can finally have a real relationship? And if he isn't willing to try I've suggested that she ask him to allow her to get it elsewhere. Does that seem reasonable?
Girls Got Needs Too
Sent from the Savage Love App for iPhone
According to multiple sources, judge Ellen DeGeneres is leaving American Idol after claiming "it wasn't the right fit for her." HUZZAH AND HEAR, HEAR. While allowing a comedian to judge burgeoning singers isn't the worst idea in the world, it should at least require her to be FUNNY. And occasionally caustic. When Simon is the funniest person on the panel, you've got a serious problem. (Unless you count Randy Jackson who is the most unintentionally funny, but we're not counting him, so there.)
So that leaves TWO slots currently open on the American Idol judging panel, after Simon's announced departure at the end of last season. And even better news? Karla DioGuardi (who I hate with a passion) has been reportedly FIRED by Idol, according to TMZ. But since that news is so amazing and perfect, I'm gonna wait to celebrate until I find out if it's true.
The current rumor du jour is that Idol will return to its original three judge format, which will include Randy Jackson (BOOO!!), Jennifer Lopez (Wait... what?), and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler (OH, COME THE FUCK ON. NO WAY!)
We shall see what we shall see.
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