At 17 years old I’d discovered my kitchen. Actually that isn’t exactly true. I’d discovered my kitchen during 5th grade when I took a mandatory Home Ec. class and practiced the magic of omelets and pigs in a blanket. Unfortunately, you can only pair so many pigs with blankets and omelet chasers before your family winces every time you approach the stove. Having not been taught cooking basics or how to read a recipe, I abandoned cooking until hormones drove me back into the kitchen in the hopes of getting laid. [Something Alison Hallett just happens to cover in our food issue].
Rekindling my love of cooking at 17 were a redhead (who later nearly ruined my life) and a cookbook for young people heading to college. The first thing I remember mastering from that book was sautéed chicken breasts. I made them for the redhead often and they were received with great acclaim. It was appropriate really—the redhead appreciated my breasts and therefore allowed me to appreciate hers. The girl is gone, but my love of cooking remains.
Recently, I’ve wondered what it would’ve been like if I’d grown up in the age of the internet, where discovering how to cook is as simple as logging on to Epicurious.com and finding a dish so easy you’d have to intentionally burn down the kitchen to fuck it up? And similarly, finding breasts to look at is a simple as turning on the computer.
Back when I was a kid (sometime around the Pleistocene, when the redheads were hot and the Mammoths were hotter), you either learned shit from your school, from your parents, from your friends (with varying results), or… from books. But one thing hasn’t changed: Before cracking the book, or logging on, you’ve got to want to learn.
Maybe someone will crack this book and be changed forever. Maybe it will be a young man thinking “Wolf pack Waffles” will get him some tail (it probably wont). Maybe it will be a young woman, believing “Edward’s Cornflake Chicken” will bring her closer to the perpetually smouldering-eyed vampire (it probably will). Or, maybe, it will be a Blogtownie who just wants some more LOLS (it’s fucking guaranteed). I don’t care. I just want the crap off my desk.
Here’s the rule: In the comments below, give me one good reason you want to win the unofficial Twilight cookbook. I will pick a winner by the end of the week. [Oh, did I mention it also has cocktail recipes? Yeah. It does.]
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