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Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("Thursday July 15, Chlamydia Potluck in the Park, $15, bring your own specimen!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week, a new staff member has been presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.

Stand by for Courtney's wrap-up of her WORST. NIGHT. EVER. from this past weekend... let's just say she's been delayed by "shrinkage." GUYS! This week marks the season finale of WORST. NIGHT. EVER. which we promise will return in one form or another in the future. But let's go out with a bang, shall we? It's a scientific fact that I am a loathsome creature who deserves all the evil and sadness this world has to offer. So pick me out a good one, okay?!? (As a reminder, these events may not be as awful to most people as they are to me. They were chosen with my personal neurosis and uncomfortableness in mind.)

TRIBAL FUSION BELLYDANCE WORKSHOP (Thursday, July 15, The Lotus Seed).
CONS: This is an advanced belly dancing class "with choreography designed to challenge," and previous dance experience is recommended. The level for potential embarrassment is high. It costs $60 (though it's on the Mercury's tab). The term "tribal fusion" is in the title.
PROS: Guys, the teacher is totally hot! Take a look for yourself. Also, I love to dance, and I'll probably leave with some sick moves.

SMASH MOUTH CONCERT (Thursday, July 15, The Oregon Garden, Silverton, OR).
CONS: ACK!!! You're kidding me, right? These are the douchebags who sang "All Star," "Walkin' on the Sun," and completely murdered the Monkees' "I'm a Believer" on the Shrek soundtrack. I'll be surrounded by douches singing along with douches. I'm bringing a cyanide capsule with me on this one.
PROS: It's outside?

STRING SUMMIT MUSIC FESTIVAL
(Friday, July 16 - Sunday, July 18, Horning's Hideout).
CONS: You guys know how much I despise hippies, right? This is gonna be Hippie Grand Central Station. THREE FREAKING DAYS of long-winded, droning hippie jam bands, that will make me want to stab my ears off. And the stench! And the smell of dope, which I hate! And some creeps from the Grateful Dead! BLECHH!!
PROS: Worst Night Ever rules state I only have to stay for three to five hours. Hopefully death will be quicker than that.

CRYSTAL HEALING FOR BEGINNERS
(Friday, July 16, Clark College, Vancouver, WA).
CONS: This description says it all: "A beginner's class in "Crystal Healing". Science has proved that stones are not dead matter. Stones are fully alive, powerful and vibrate with energy—that is why Quartz is set into watches to provide highly accurate time. [??????!!!!!!] Since antiquity crystals have been used for healing as they resonate with the crystalline nature of the human body. Good for all situations and all ages. Discover the power of nature."
PROS: Maybe they can fix my broken watch?

[UPDATE! The Christian Battle of the Bands event we had listed earlier isn't happening, but we've actually found a more torturous Christian music event—if that's possible?]

HARVEST FEST CHRISTIAN MUSIC FESTIVAL (Friday July 16-Sunday July 18, Port of Kalama, WA ).
CONS: Gaaahhh! Another THREE day jam fest, but this time with (even worse) CHRISTIANS! Here's the lineup: Hyperstatic Union, Noonday Sun, Kate White, Alisa Childers of ZoeGirl, News @11, Briksa, Sixteen Cites, Chuck Girard and Love Song, etc, with speakers including Girard, Pastor Chuck Smith, Ben Box, Pastor Rob Neuschwander and Brad "the sin butcher" Butcher. In addition I've already stupidly promised the gang that I will be baptized if the situation arises. But do not mistake me: I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANS. (Plus, I can't even get wasted!) C'mon, people! Even Jesus wasn't crucified like this!
PROS: I sincerely can't think of a single one.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Like many of my non-chicken shit predecessors, I forgo my right to veto one of these events. VOTING ENDS TOMORROW AFTERNOON AT 3 PM! I would ask for mercy, but you know nothing of the word.