Okay, here's the trailer for Buried, in which Ryan Reynolds—who better never stop thanking the universe he got cast as Green Lantern—is an American contractor in Iraq (BOOOOO!!!) who gets kidnapped and buried alive until the ransom decides to come along. THE BAD NEWS? The entire movie supposedly takes place in the coffin! Which as you will see in the following trailer posed a bit of a problem for producers who wanted to make a trailer that didn't bore the shit right into your pants. Watch it—especially for the unintentionally hilarious YouTube reference, as well as the bad guy who sounds exactly like Boris Badenov from Bullwinkle (I'll get you, Moose and Squirrel!)—and listen to me some more, because I've got something else to say.
First of all, you are a PUSS, Ryan Reynolds. For a very special Halloween issue, the Portland Mercury buried then music editor Zac Pennington alive in a coffin for like three hours, and then left him there as a prank! And even though he nearly suffocated to death, he never uttered a freaking peep! God fucking damn it, Ryan Reynolds. You disgust me.
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