To my mind Jersey Shore is the ultimate culmination of the Real World style of reality television. Its characters (yeah, they're characters) completely embrace and thrive on the artificiality of the medium, drawing energy from it. There is no need for the producers and editors to manufacture drama because these juiced-up, super-tan twenty- and thirty-somethings do the work for them and strut while they do so.

The popularity of the show baffles a lot of people but I, for one, am totally fascinated by and taken in by the charismatic shamelessness of the Jersey Shore "guidos" and "guidettes." They treat the cameras around them like an tiger born in captivity would treat a human. Of course they're being filmed all day - they're awesome! The fact that people want to watch them creepin' at clubs and bathing in bronzer is not a pleasant surprise but a given.

It's with that mindset that I want to dive into the first episode of the second season of Jersey Shore. Won't you join me?

My favorite thing that happened in this episode was when the man in Savanna, GA joined Snooki and JWoww's fried pickle feast to interact with them. It was the type of painfully awkward moment that most reality shows wouldn't have time for yet Jersey Shore only grows stronger by. There was really no reason for that dude to be interacting with those two girls beyond the magnetic pull of the cameras and contact high of stardom and he seemed to know it. Watching him try and fail to fist-pump (embarrassing?) was so sad and bizarre that it carried a different tone from the first season of Jersey Shore where nobody knew who these jackasses were. Now they're jackasses who give off that Axe Body Spray smell of success and this guy must've been sure fist-pumping for Snooki would lead to something.

His hunger for a little camera time is nothing compared to Angelina's. "I'll do whatever it takes to be cool with these people," she admits and it was great seeing her try to act civilized for an hour or so. You know she's been kicking herself for hopping off of the gravy train when she did, telling herself over and over again that America was dieing to know what happened to Angelina besides that she made out with Pauly D in LA, a fact so unsurprising it might as well be a given. Let's just hope they don't try and make her work in a T-shirt shop again. I know that was a deal-breaker.

The generally easygoing men of the house are quick to accept Angelina back - she's even rooming with Pauly and Sitch - but the girls aren't having it. Whatever happens, Angelina is clearly not letting the brass ring go this time. You can see the feral, money-hungry survival instinct in her eyes.

The only one who seems to be missing how awesomely charmed her life has become in the last year is Sammi Sweetheart, who spends most of this episode wah-ing about Ronnie and how theirs was a love that should have known no end. She's thinking about moving out, you guys! She can't take it! What's she doing living with an ex-boyfriend for ludicrous amounts of money?!

Ronnie, for his part, has begun worshipping at the temple of The Situation (Pauly D is the high priest). He is not looking to fall in love, he tells his equally roided out friends, just to get his dick wet. Will this cause drama? Sigh. Yes. Regardless of the fact that Sammi and Ronnie's middle school romance is the only thing that can weigh down the glorious hedonism of this show like a pile of wet laundry. I don't care about them and I never will.

Snooki has not changed at all, despite having her own "gorilla juicehead" back home. Neither have Situation or Pauly or, thankfully, Vinny, the lone voice of something like reason in the house (though he mostly just sits back and laughs).

Alright, that's what happened. Time for Stray Notes and Quotes:
Gorilla Juicehead Emilio: "How many meatballs do you want?" Snooki: "I want two. In my face."
Snooki doesn't go tanning anymore because of Obama and his fucking tanning tax, choosing instead to coat herself with bronzer like a car at a detailer. Did you guys know she was mad at the President? Is that why he denied knowing who she was? Jesus' admirers denied him, too.
Vinny's Uncle: "Don't get too much nookie from Snooki." Ugh.
They put a camera in the mirror this time. Brilliant!
I loved the cut between the girls' screechy cab ride and the boys' silent one.
Why is everyone calling Snooki "Nicole"? Did she request that?
"I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washin' clothes in the sink!"
"Ronnie's obliviated at this point."
How can "a bigger ugly chick" be a "grenade" while a "thinner ugly chick" is a "landmine." Explain this to me, Situation!