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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 9:31 AM

Our Top Story: I'm tired, and I'm grumpy.

Nothing's in the New York Times today—save your money.

Death toll in Chinese mud slides climb to over 1,117, with many families buried alive. Not cheering me up.

Death toll in Pakistan flooding climbs over 1,300. Did I mention I ran out of hair gel this morning?

It's now official: Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is dead after his plane crashed Monday.

The fed-up JetBlue flight attendant (AND NATIONAL HERO) is out on bail, and thinks "he may lose his job." JUST... MAYBE.

In last night's political primaries, here's how America chose her winners: "THE STUPIDER THE BETTER."

American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is in stable condition after overdosing on aspirin and a sleep aid.

Ummm... Alison Hallett? Don't Read This Story.

A 42-year-old mom trades an Xbox for sex from 14-year-old boys. Even this can't cheer me up!

Former presidential candidate John McCain says Jersey Shore's Snooki "is too good looking to go to jail." This could've been your president.

Mexico's Supreme Court rules that all 31 states must recognize same-sex marriages performed in the capitol. MEXICO, PEOPLE! MEXICO!! (No wonder people in Arizona hate them so much.)

Today in "Nothing is Happening in the Kyron Horman Case," the sheriff's department is scheduled to hold a press conference at 11 am to announce some new minor details that the local media will try to blow up into something that probably won't help at all. Hey local media: Currently in Oregon there are 46 cases of missing children that aren't Kyron Horman. You can't help Kyron. If you really give a shit, help someone else. Grumpy.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy morning and mid-70s in the afternoon, but a mid-90s heatwave will hit us by the weekend! Drag out that thong!

And finally, someone has turned the video of Justin Bieber getting doinked in the head with a water bottle into the auto-tune jimmity-jam of the summer! (Okay, now I'm starting to cheer up.)

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