I recently spent a week on the Virginia coast, in a rented house that doubled as a exhaustive library of books people read (or think they want to read) at the beach—shelf after shelf of lightly battered Grisham and Kellerman (six different copies of Bad Love!) and romances about sensible women pining for love in Ireland. Then there were the oddities, including Today show weatherman Willard Scott's weather-themed mystery, an old-timey "Hints from Heloise," and this...

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But the treasure was The Life and Hard Times of Heidi Abromowitz, Joan Rivers' 1984 bestseller about her legendarily slutty friend. Rivers has spent decades crowing about Abromowitz's slutty shenangigans from the stage, but in the book, she takes it to another level. Did you know Heidi Abromowitz was a horny whore even as an infant? From the chapter "Baby Bimbo Abromowitz":

Everyone knew that Heidi was a tramp the day she came home from the hospital. She did things with her pacifier that most women still haven't done with their husbands. Is that a tramp, or what? Even before she was toilet-trained, that tramp's name was on bathroom walls!

There's also an exceprt from Heidi's fourth-grade diary:

Kissed a boy for the first time today. Very disappointing. It's nothing compared to oral sex.

God I miss the '80s. These days, people are all, "That baby's just expressing pre-sexual urges!" and "There's no such thing as consensual sex with a kindergartner!" But back in the '80s, people weren't afraid to speak the truth: Some babies are just born slutty.