Oh joy of joys, why can't all I, Anonymous entries come with illustrations of ponies and kitties (with wings) and bunnies?

It's always cute and mildly disturbing when a child-reader of the Mercury steps forth, but it happens. This came in today (errors preserved for authenticity, although frankly there aren't that many. The drawings aren't too shabby, either).

North Portland Bike Thief: To the lowdown beep, whole stole my bike, I was in art camp for 1 week which was all my mother could afford, and that was even at a low-income reduced rate. I live with my single mother, who works very hard for only 9 dollars an hour. She couldn't afford to buy me that bike, so my grandmother bought it for me for Christmas last year (it was my only present), so I could get myself to school and back while my mother works her ass off trying to support us. Mine was the only bike there on the last day of art camp at my school. Because it was locked up in front of a school, oviously it belonged to a child. I REALLY loved my shiny, black cruiser. That was my first real bike and it was how this 6th grade latch-key kid got herself to and from school, because i'm so beepin' responsable! The next time your too lazy to walk, think first before you steal a kid's bike! Then think about if that kid knows jujitsu; because the next time I see you, expect to get your ass kicked!! You beepin' mother beepin' pondscum bottom feeding piece of beep. That is MY property, NOT yours to steal, low-life.—Anonymous

I challenge you all to come up with a better insult than "You beepin' mother beepin' pondscum bottom feeding piece of beep." Send your attempts here.